My entire life, I have loved Valentine's Day. When I was a kid, my parents would make us Valentines, and a special breakfast, and we'd get candy, which was always the best part! At school, we'd give each other tons of Valentines, and have a party. Even one year in ATI, when I was at the Indianapolis Training Center, they did a special dinner and made Valentines cookies. As an adult, I'd decorate with heart shaped things, and sometimes make cookies or something special to take to friends. Even when my other friends wore black, calling it, "Singles Awareness Day," I smiled and rolled my eyes, and went on celebrating Valentine's Day.
Then he came along. I had never before been in a relationship for Valentine's Day. He was so excited about giving me a "proper" introduction to the day. It was on a Saturday, so we were both off. We had the whole day together, and it was...perfect. He gave me roses, a vase full of Jelly Bellies, Milk Duds, a teddy bear, and a note telling me how much he looked forward to all the Valentine's Days in our future. He said the next year, he'd be more creative, but since I'd never had one before, he wanted to give me the cliche Valentine's Day.
Obviously, the next year is now, and we haven't talked in months. I've gone through months of the worst pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. And while I have definitely come out on the other side, I wasn't quite ready to put up my normal decorations, or do anything special for the day. I'm moving on, without question. I've gone on a couple dates, have realized...I'm not necessarily doomed to be alone the rest of my life. I've met some really promising guys here through Match (expect another installment in that series soon!), and I know that dating is an actual option for me, for the first time in my life. There's definitely a mutual interest with someone right now, and I can honestly say, I'm excited to see what comes of it. I'm open to something new- to someone new. I'm open to the future.
While today has brought with it a twinge of sadness and loneliness, and a bit of amazement of how much can change in a single year, there is something good about this year that wasn't true last year. While nothing will ever change how amazing that particular Valentine's Day was, this one has one edge over that one. Last year, I was so happy to be in a relationship with someone I thought was such an amazing man, and someone I thought loved me fully. Maybe he was and maybe he did, I'll likely never really know. But throughout that relationship, I was always amazed that someone finally loved me. That someone finally wanted me. That someone was finally attracted to me. That's not why I loved him. I wasn't settling, at all. And I didn't find my value in his loving me. But I was still rather astonished that someone like him could want me. Because I was so not used to that. My years of singleness had made me feel more or less unloveable, in the romantic sense. Unattractive. I'd always bee the friend, never the girlfriend or wife. But this year, I have taken that part of my life into my own hands. And you know what I've discovered? I'm actually not entirely undesirable that way. Guys actually do show an interest in me. They actually do want to get to know me and date me. Had things worked out with him, I never would have experienced this. I would have spent my life amazed that he saw something in me, and amazed that he chose me. Not that that is inherently bad, and it's not like I would have let that have a huge impact on our relationship- I was amazed, yes. But I wasn't willing to put up with anything or settle, or accept bad behavior simply because of that.
And though today, yeah, kinda sucks, and I'm not up to my normal Valentine's Day stuff, I'm sitting here on my couch, knowing that there are guys out there, in this city, who are interested in me. I know that, not only do I know I have something to offer in a relationship, there are actual, good, decent guys out there who see that too. It's empowering. So while I could have lived the rest of my life never experiencing this, it is a really great thing to experience now. And it will definitely enrich the rest of my life.
Relationship or not, next Valentine's Day should be better. I won't be in the same place I'm in now. I'll be much more healed. Much more whole. More connected to my community. More settled in my new life. And I'm sure that next Valentine's Day, I'll be putting up my usual decorations, and be back to my old attitude regarding the day. I am glad that my recent experiences, horrific as they have been, haven't caused me to embrace the idea of "Single's Awareness Day" even so. My usual attitude is still there. Just a little under the surface for the moment.
So yeah, today I'm in a bit of a funk. But I'll wake up tomorrow, get ready for and go to work, and things will be better. The day will be over for another year, and I'll have time to move on further. Next year will be better, and I'm really looking forward to it.
Then he came along. I had never before been in a relationship for Valentine's Day. He was so excited about giving me a "proper" introduction to the day. It was on a Saturday, so we were both off. We had the whole day together, and it was...perfect. He gave me roses, a vase full of Jelly Bellies, Milk Duds, a teddy bear, and a note telling me how much he looked forward to all the Valentine's Days in our future. He said the next year, he'd be more creative, but since I'd never had one before, he wanted to give me the cliche Valentine's Day.
Obviously, the next year is now, and we haven't talked in months. I've gone through months of the worst pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. And while I have definitely come out on the other side, I wasn't quite ready to put up my normal decorations, or do anything special for the day. I'm moving on, without question. I've gone on a couple dates, have realized...I'm not necessarily doomed to be alone the rest of my life. I've met some really promising guys here through Match (expect another installment in that series soon!), and I know that dating is an actual option for me, for the first time in my life. There's definitely a mutual interest with someone right now, and I can honestly say, I'm excited to see what comes of it. I'm open to something new- to someone new. I'm open to the future.
While today has brought with it a twinge of sadness and loneliness, and a bit of amazement of how much can change in a single year, there is something good about this year that wasn't true last year. While nothing will ever change how amazing that particular Valentine's Day was, this one has one edge over that one. Last year, I was so happy to be in a relationship with someone I thought was such an amazing man, and someone I thought loved me fully. Maybe he was and maybe he did, I'll likely never really know. But throughout that relationship, I was always amazed that someone finally loved me. That someone finally wanted me. That someone was finally attracted to me. That's not why I loved him. I wasn't settling, at all. And I didn't find my value in his loving me. But I was still rather astonished that someone like him could want me. Because I was so not used to that. My years of singleness had made me feel more or less unloveable, in the romantic sense. Unattractive. I'd always bee the friend, never the girlfriend or wife. But this year, I have taken that part of my life into my own hands. And you know what I've discovered? I'm actually not entirely undesirable that way. Guys actually do show an interest in me. They actually do want to get to know me and date me. Had things worked out with him, I never would have experienced this. I would have spent my life amazed that he saw something in me, and amazed that he chose me. Not that that is inherently bad, and it's not like I would have let that have a huge impact on our relationship- I was amazed, yes. But I wasn't willing to put up with anything or settle, or accept bad behavior simply because of that.
And though today, yeah, kinda sucks, and I'm not up to my normal Valentine's Day stuff, I'm sitting here on my couch, knowing that there are guys out there, in this city, who are interested in me. I know that, not only do I know I have something to offer in a relationship, there are actual, good, decent guys out there who see that too. It's empowering. So while I could have lived the rest of my life never experiencing this, it is a really great thing to experience now. And it will definitely enrich the rest of my life.
Relationship or not, next Valentine's Day should be better. I won't be in the same place I'm in now. I'll be much more healed. Much more whole. More connected to my community. More settled in my new life. And I'm sure that next Valentine's Day, I'll be putting up my usual decorations, and be back to my old attitude regarding the day. I am glad that my recent experiences, horrific as they have been, haven't caused me to embrace the idea of "Single's Awareness Day" even so. My usual attitude is still there. Just a little under the surface for the moment.
So yeah, today I'm in a bit of a funk. But I'll wake up tomorrow, get ready for and go to work, and things will be better. The day will be over for another year, and I'll have time to move on further. Next year will be better, and I'm really looking forward to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment