Day At the Museum

Saturday, Mandi and I met at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science, where they have an exhibit on the history of chocolate. We'd been planning to go all month, and as Jim and Knightly were spending the day together, that gave Mandi and me several hours. We walked through the exhibit, reading the different signs, and I found I was able to use my knowledge from a class I took in grad school, Latin American Colonial History, to help flesh things out for Mandi. I talked about the differences between the Aztecs (I have to note here that their real name is Mexica, but we call them Aztec), Maya, and Inca. Their religious beliefs, practices, and even a little, on their use of chocolate, and then the development of slavery with the "discovery" of North and South America. I also got to talk a bit about the use of slaves in growing sugar, and other such things. I don't get to talk about history like this nearly as much as I used to, so I had a TON of fun with it, and Mandi didn't seem bored, so I call that a win.

This is such a typical Mandi pose, I can't even get over it. Lol. Some things never change.

We walked out of the exhibit, and there was a little shop set up selling gourmet chocolates. Mandi bought us each two pieces, and they were divine. I also bought a mug that had a picture of a moose on it that said, "Chocolate Moose." I had to. See, when Mandi and I first met, waaay back in the summer of 1999, at Sound Foundations IX, when I was 16 and she was 14, I was going through a phase in which I called everyone, "dear." It annoyed Mandi, and, snarky as she has always been, she started calling me "Moose," and it stuck, for quite some time. Years. Because I was with Mandi at the exhibit and the mug was right there, I had to get it. Of course, I also bought a scholarly book on the history of chocolate. Because...what else would I do?

From there, we went on to the Egyptian exhibit, and then the space exhibit. We had a great time wandering about and talking, just us, for the first time in a very, very long time. We had lunch at Chipotle, and continued talking. About ATI, about how we have changed with time, about how relationships with human beings can be a challenge. I think for the first time since reuniting, I kind of felt like I had gotten my old best friend back. It was both so much like old times, and nothing like old times. Instead of being teenagers, or very early 20 somethings, we were both 30 somethings, living far away from our roots, making our own ways, having dealt with a lot more of life's hard knocks, and having settled into life. I think we're both much more centered than we were, way back when. We both still have things to deal with. But we're learning how to do that in a healthy, balanced way. Not like when we were younger.

The day was awesome. And I really look forward to seeing how our relationship progresses, now that we're solidly adults. I think moving to Denver is the best decision I have ever made. One of the best things about moving to Denver, has been being able to reconnect with Mandi. I really can't wait to see how life continues to unfold in the near future.

Adventures in Match.com: Part IV

This may be my last post on the topic for a while, or potentially forever, as things are looking pretty promising with one of the guys I met at a previous Match event. We went on a first date last night, and are definitely planning on more. But that is ALL I'm saying about that.

On Wednesday, I attended my fourth Match event. It was...interesting. This time, it was a speed dating event at the Hard Rock Cafe in LoDo. For this former fundie homeschooler, it was my first ever trip to the Hard Rock Cafe. As I walked up the stairs to where we were meeting, I laughed a little to myself about how horrified teenage me would have been, going into such an establishment. I really do NOT miss that life at all!

I ordered a drink, and sat down at a table with a girl, Arikka (pronounced "Erica") who looked to be about my age. We started talking and hit it off pretty well. She won massive points with me immediately by telling me I had lipstick on my teeth and needed to get rid of it. By the time we were separated for the speed awkwardness dating to begin, we decided that, if nothing else, she and I would be friends.

I was then ordered to my table, and we were instructed on what would happen: The women would stay seated, and the men would rotate around the room to us. We'd have five minutes to get to know each other, and then would be notified to move on. Some of those five minutes were really hilarious, and some were supremely awkward. One guy told me about how he was at the Broncos/Bengals game in December, and how he's really good at talking his way into things for free. Then he asked if I had any stories like his and I went..."Um...I broke a vertebra falling off the couch once..."

The evening ended, and I left without feeling like I'd met any possibilities in the relationship arena. I am glad, however, that it seems as though I got a new gal pal out of it. I'm not really bummed about not meeting any prospects, as it seems as though things might be blossoming with one particular person anyway. I'm not going to say much at all about how that all goes on here though. My friends can just deal with being blog fodder, but I'm not going to subject a poor guy to that right off the bat. Plus...I have to keep some mystery about my life, right?

Adventures in Match.com: Part III

Last night, I participated in my third Match.com event. This one was fascinating. It was a tour of Denver's former red light district, and various "haunted" places in LoDo. Our guide, Ren, was hilarious. We started out at the Blake Street Vault, which had originally been a brothel. This particular brothel was known for its discretion, and it had, I believe, six different tunnels leading to it from various hotels, as well as the capitol building. The tunnels, as well as the building itself, are said to be haunted. 

Once we left our starting point, we stopped at a corner a few blocks away, and Ren dramatically climbed onto a marble bench and declared that was her favorite stop, because she gets her own stage and spotlight. It was pretty amusing. While standing atop her platform, Ren told us the story of the Denver Strangler. He was basically the Denver version of Jack the Ripper, though a little less gruesome. This one didn't take out body parts. He did, however, only target prostitutes. He killed three before the killings mysteriously stopped, and shortly after, the Great Denver Fire broke out. It's assumed he died in the fire. As we walked away, I said to the guy standing next to me, "You don't think she likes her job at all, do you?" And he laughed and said, "No, not even a little!" We got to talking after that, and more or less kept a conversation going the rest of the evening. 

We ended at Union Station, which may as well be renamed "Hogwarts," for all of the apparent paranormal activity that goes on there. One particular story has to do with a little girl that haunts one of the bathrooms (she died in an electrical fire around 1910), and terrorized the maids so badly, they lost 5 maids in about 3 weeks. They finally solved that problem by always leaving the bathroom door open when they clean it, and always sending in two maids at a time. She apparently still haunts the bathroom, but doesn't terrorize them as much. Union Station has its very own Moaning Myrtle.

Chilan and Vien came with me on this adventure, and it was fun to have friends along for the ride, though Chilan kept wearing her skeptical scientist face. At different times, those of us on the tour would discuss how accurate these stories were. I said they were most likely legit. Any city more than a hundred or so years old has verified stories of unexplained phenomena. Now whether or not that's actually paranormal activity, is up to the individual to decide. We talked a little bit about different theories of time and space, and how that could explain things. Apparently, there's an apartment building near Cheesman Park in Denver that actually has a line in the lease saying you cannot break your lease because of paranormal activity. Because it happens SO MUCH there. Skeptic that I am, I don't know that I would sign that lease. 

At the end of the evening, I walked back to my car and headed home. It was a great evening, and I loved learning a little about the history and myths of Denver. I have heard from the guy I was talking to last night, and looks like we may be getting together soon. I actually have options right now. Two guys I'm interested in who are BOTH interested in me as well. Um. Huh? This formerly homeschooled courtship-committed girl doesn't even know what to do with herself right now! I have one more Match event coming up next week, and we'll see what happens. But so far, I'm 3 for 3 with these events, so if nothing works out with either of these guys, I'll probably keep going. I love feeling like I have options, and I love rising to the occasion and challenging myself to engage in social situations, which I have always shied away from in the past. For me, putting myself out there is definitely part of being Dauntless. But I'm looking those fears straight in the eye, turning my charm all the way up, and pushing forward. And I love it. 

Jumping Off of Balconies, and Other Tales

No, I'm not the one who jumped off a balcony, so just chill. I'll get to that in a bit.

Obviously, yesterday started off rough for me. It was hard just getting up and going, but I eventually managed it. I got to Mandi's, where I was greeted by a Knightly who told me he wasn't Knightly. He changed his identity about three times over the course of our time together, so I can't remember who he was at the moment. Mandi was in the kitchen making Jambalaya, with the adorable 4.5 month old Caleb (who she babysits for friends a few days a week) strapped to her chest. Caleb gave me the biggest grin when I said hello to him. It was adorable. We chatted for a bit while she cooked, and I told her about my mishap on my way to her house. It was definitely a classic Kit moment.

I had stopped by Sonic for a drink, and about a minute after I got it, I picked it up. Problem is, the lid wasn't on tightly, so it popped off. The issue with this, is that the full Sonic cups are so big, the lid is what helps stabilize them. The rim then collapsed in my hand, and a giant rip, about two inches long appeared, spilling Coke Zero and ice all. over. my. lap. Normally, I would have gotten another one. But given how my day was already going...I just couldn't. I put it down in the cup holder- which was about two inches deep in pop- and tried to brush all the ice off my lap onto the floor. So lovely. Mandi was very sympathetic, and offered for us to go to Sonic and get another. I declined.

We took a walk, and it was really nice. Knightly got some of his energy out, and Caleb stared at me the whole time. We saw a bunny (much more plentiful out here than in the Midwest and South!), and Knightly got excited. We talked about life, and some plans we've made to hang out in a couple weeks, and other such things. I got to feed Caleb his bottle when we got back inside, and it was awesome. It's been a LONG time since I've been able to feed a baby their bottle. As Mandi and I were talking, I said that I had already gotten a reputation at work for being a goody-two-shoes. As if on cue, Caleb started WAILING. Mandi took him, and we laughed. I told Caleb I'm sorry if he likes bad girls, but he should keep looking. :-p

Jim came home from work, then other people arrived for dinner, including Caleb's mom and dad. We happily ate Jambalaya and salad, drank some wine and limeaid, and we briefly talked about girl crushes. I said I had one on Anna Kendrick, and again, as if right on cue, Caleb started wailing. The theory is, the kid has a crush on me...

Just as we were finishing up dinner, there was an unexpected knock on the door. The woman knocking said, "Hi, um, we don't live here, we're visiting our son, and someone just jumped off the balcony, and we need someone to call 911. We don't know the address." We all traipsed across the hallway, and several of the others, one of whom is a nurse, went outside. I saw the girl who jumped- she was laying on her stomach, legs bent upwards at the knees, propped up on her arms, and holding up her head. Mandi and I went back inside, and Jim called 911. The paramedics and police came, and eventually, everyone came back in to finish their dinner. The girl and her boyfriend were giving conflicting stories, but it sounded like the boyfriend was being abusive, and she jumped from the second story balcony, trying to get away from him. He kept telling everyone she was mentally unstable, and there was nothing wrong with her. The paramedics took her to the hospital (though she was physically okay), and the cops were left talking with her boyfriend. That's all that happened, but it was definitely a unique experience.

After finishing dinner and Mandi's AMAZING walnut crust cheesecake, we chatted for quite a while, and the guys played an original Nintendo game on Jim's original Nintendo. Eventually, I headed home to go to bed. I was definitely feeling decidedly better than I had been feeling when I woke up. I went to sleep feeling relatively well, and woke up the same way. I have something to look forward to tonight (which will no doubt get a new blog post tomorrow), as well as over the next few days.

Sometimes, life sucks. Sometimes, it's almost unbearable. But thank goodness, I'm in a place where those really dark times usually only last a few hours, to maybe a day, at most. As long as I'm trending upwards, that's really all I can ask for. And it's good. 

Just Life

I've gotten to a better place. There's no doubting that. I can't say I'm happy about life overall, but it's definitely gotten better. Most of my days are okay. Some of my days are good. The bad days are fewer and farther between. Today is a bad day. It shouldn't be. I woke up after sleeping in, because I'm off today. I was behind on sleep, so I got caught up. I don't know what makes the difference between waking up happy or okay, and waking up sad. It's...something. Maybe it's emotional. Maybe it's chemical. Maybe it's a combination of the two.

I should be happy about some time to catch up on my online teaching, catch up on some cleaning around the house, and then going to Mandi's to hang out, and then have dinner with her family and some others. But I'm not. I'm just...overwhelmingly sad. It's frustrating, because I feel like I should have a specific reason for feeling like this. I don't. I have no idea why I feel like this. I know it's part of depression, which I definitely have. But so much of this just doesn't make a ton of sense. I suppose it is what it is. I just have to take the bad days with the okay days. Though it's days like this that I really miss having someone to hold me and tell me it's okay. To tell me they're here with me. That they love me and will help me through. It's something that makes all the difference in the world. And I really hope I get that again. For real though. Not just for a little while until they spook.

So how do I get through today? I guess...I work on my class, I get dressed, I get something to eat, and I go to Mandi's. I get a hug, I play with two happy little boys (Mandi watches another friend's baby a few days a week...), maybe manage a good talk with an old friend. Have a great dinner, go home, go to sleep, get up, and go to work and go through my day tomorrow. Sometimes, that's all we can do. It's not glamorous, it's just life. 

Adventures in Match.com: Part II

With both students and online dating members, I often find myself scratching my head and wondering why in heaven's name they thought xyz was a good idea. Sometimes, I wish I could see into their heads. Of course, then I realize I'm glad I can't, because, well...I'm pretty sure I'd be scarred for life.

One day recently, as I was perusing profiles, I came across one of a 42 year old, never married, single man from here in the Denver area. His profile seemed decent enough, and he was extremely good looking. So of course, I started wondering...how is it that he is this good looking, and has never been married? Well, about halfway through his "About Me" section, I figured it out. He said, "If you're divorced, don't bother, because you don't know Jesus, so you won't know me." And my mouth fell open. I thought, "I think I just figured out why he's still single..." I shared the quote on my friend Kelly's FB wall, as she is also a member of Match, and the conversation that ensued was awesome. What a jerk! Now, I understand where he's coming from, theologically, I really do. I used to be firmly in the no-remarriage-after-divorce-under-any-circumstances camp, though I firmly abandoned that particular ideal years ago. I get that certain interpretations of Scripture won't allow for remarriage. But to automatically say that the divorced person doesn't know Jesus? That's nowhere in any Bible I have read. In fact, sometimes, a person is divorced against their will. Or even for the personal safety of their kids or themselves. It takes two to make a relationship work, but as I have learned- long before my own relationship issues- it only takes one to tear a relationship apart. One person changes significantly or changes their mind, and there's nothing the other person can do about it. If someone is going to walk away, they're going to walk away. To then say that if you're divorced you don't know Jesus is an asshole move of the first degree. Seriously, dude. And then to say, "You don't know Jesus, so you won't know me"?! Woah. That is some serious pretention. I mean, okay, I get it if divorce is a deal breaker for you. I really do get it, and that's fine. But then to put it out there that you are SO much of a good Christian that if someone is divorced they won't be able to know you because they don't know Jesus? I could throw out a ton of Bible verses, but the most significant one that comes to mind is Micah 6:8b which says, "What  does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Last I checked, that kind of attitude doesn't fit with any kind of humility. So I happily moved on from that profile, to say the least. 

I could tell stories of other old guys hitting on me, but I covered that pretty well in the first installment, so I think I'll skip that one. On February 11th, I went to another mixer. I almost didn't go to this one, because it started 30 minutes before I even got off of work, and I was tired, and got there an hour and 20 minutes late. But I went in, and the ice breaker question for this one was, "What is the best gift you ever got?" I had to think for a minute, but I went with the elliptical my parents got me a couple Christmases ago. As soon as I put my name tag on and walked into the group, I saw Oscar, from a couple weeks ago. So I walked up behind him, and said to the girl he was talking to, "Is he bothering you? I know he can be SUCH a pain." He said hey and laughed, and the girl played along. It was kinda hilarious. So the girl kept talking to Oscar's friend (apparently, they always go to these things together), and Oscar started talking to me. His name tag said, "Nothing." When I asked him if that meant no one ever gave him anything good, he said he meant it in the Buddhist, "zen" kind of way. Just sitting, doing nothing, and breathing it all in. I said I should have known. We talked for a few minutes, then I moved on.

As I ordered a drink from the bar (I was drinking Coke that night...yes, I'm boring), I saw a very tall guy standing there awkwardly, holding a beer, and I couldn't see his name tag. He was wearing a Broncos hat, so I said to him, "You're a Broncos fan? So I take it you've been in a good mood all week..." We started talking about football- the Broncos, the Panthers, the Bengals, and the Steelers. About Super Bowls and quarterbacks, predictions and their results, head coaches and other coaches. I really shocked myself, because I realized after a while that I had actually carried on a 20 minute conversation about football...and it actually sounded like I knew what I was talking about. I mean, I've been able to do that with baseball my whole life. But never football. I guess I've finally accumulated enough knowledge to have a semi-intelligent conversation about the sport. Who knew? We moved on to talk about other things for a while, and kinda hit it off. He finally left, and said he wanted to talk to me some more. After I got home, he sent me a message, and we've spent the last few days chatting. Whether or not anything pans out there (though there is definitely mutual interest), it's at least been a big confidence booster. 

Once Broncos guy left, I started talking to another guy I had overheard tell someone he was a biologist, teaching high school. So I asked him about it, and he said he specialized in human anatomy and physiology, and proceeded to tell me about his thesis, which was all about the mechanics of how eating leafy green vegetables can lower your blood pressure. I was actually fascinated, but I'll just give you all this nugget of advice: eat lots of leafy green vegetables, and don't brush your teeth for several hours after. Don't use mouth wash either. The magic happens in the organic compounds left behind in your mouth, and what your saliva does to them, and then later deposits into your bloodstream. Anyway, biology guy and I talked for a while, and he said he taught online. So we then swapped horror stories of teaching online, which was fun. Turned out, he was also a competitive swimmer, which I was as well, so we chatted about that as well. I finally left, and nothing came of that conversation, which I didn't really expect anyway, but it was good practice, and again, a good confidence booster.

The last few days have consisted mostly of chatting with Broncos guy, and some texting back and forth with a guy from the mixer a few weeks back. I'm in a good place with all of this. Every time I talk to a guy, go to a mixer, etc., I don't even think about him. I thought I'd always be comparing everyone to him. But I'm not. And it feels really, really good. I'm excited to keep moving forward, and seeing what the future has in store for me. 

Girls' Night

About two weeks ago, I joined my friend Mandi for her small group's girl's night. I was the odd one out- new in town, single, no kids, not exactly on the same track in regards to church related things. There were only five of us, and I wasn't sure what to expect. We wound up in Mollie's basement, just chatting. And since they knew that Mandi and I met in ATI, they started asking questions about it. Since my family was more deeply involved, I did most of the talking, and it turned more to questions about me and my experience. Also things about why I moved to Colorado, etc. It was fine- the way I see it, things are the way they are. Things happened. Bad things. Things I can't change. Things that have heavily impacted my life. They don't define me. But they have helped shape me. I have done my best to control how everything has shaped me, but I can't deny that they have changed my life. In some ways, they have complicated my life, in others, they've made me stronger. They have definitely made me a survivor. I've learned life is often easier if I accept things and talk about them as though they're no big deal. It also helps others understand where I've come from, and that cults are real, and we never know when the people around us are survivors.

The girls were incredibly understanding as I spoke. They asked honest, and sometimes blunt questions, always making it clear that that I didn't have to answer anything I didn't want to. But I felt safe, and unjudged. So I talked. I told them about life in ATI, a little about life before, and a lot about life after. Talked about how my learning disabilities and Autism played into things. And about my PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression. They never tried to tell me that if my heart had been in the right place, I wouldn't have gotten PTSD or Anxiety or Depression. I've had people tell me that before. I've actually lost friends over that before.

Then one of them asked me where I am now with God and Christianity. So I was honest. I said I don't identify as a Christian anymore, and why. I talked about how hard it was for some people to accept that. How some decided I must not have done something right. That I must not have been sincere in my searching. But none of the girls tried to quote Scripture to me- they all knew there wasn't anything they could say that I hadn't heard before. They understood how I got to where I am. They understood that this isn't about me living my life with no authority. They understood that this doesn't make me a bad person, or insincere, or hardened. They understood...it makes me human. It makes me real. And to a very real extent, it makes me wise. I walked away because I could no longer function, trying to figure things out. That the cognitive dissonance threatened to tear my life apart.

And it was great. I knew where they all stood, and yet, they didn't judge me. They got it. They still treat me as any other person. Not one of the "lost" to be brought into the fold. They respect where I have come from, and where I am. I have lost the respect of a lot of people as I have become honest about things. But not theirs. They still include me in things, they still ask me to watch their kids, they still talk to me like anyone else. And I love it. It's something I'm fairly unused to. But moving here has allowed me to meet such a great group of ladies. Mandi has embraced me living here, and has done a lot to make sure we do things together, and she includes me in her circles. Moving here was the exact thing I needed. The people here have been amazing. I have never in my life had so many opportunities to do things and hang out with friends.

I came here to become more myself; to live a Dauntless life. And sometimes, that involves opening up, allowing other people in, and developing new relationships. I'm able to do that here in a way I haven't really been able to before, and I love it. 

Valentine's Day

My entire life, I have loved Valentine's Day. When I was a kid, my parents would make us Valentines, and a special breakfast, and we'd get candy, which was always the best part! At school, we'd give each other tons of Valentines, and have a party. Even one year in ATI, when I was at the Indianapolis Training Center, they did a special dinner and made Valentines cookies. As an adult, I'd decorate with heart shaped things, and sometimes make cookies or something special to take to friends. Even when my other friends wore black, calling it, "Singles Awareness Day," I smiled and rolled my eyes, and went on celebrating Valentine's Day.

Then he came along. I had never before been in a relationship for Valentine's Day. He was so excited about giving me a "proper" introduction to the day. It was on a Saturday, so we were both off. We had the whole day together, and it was...perfect. He gave me roses, a vase full of Jelly Bellies, Milk Duds, a teddy bear, and a note telling me how much he looked forward to all the Valentine's Days in our future. He said the next year, he'd be more creative, but since I'd never had one before, he wanted to give me the cliche Valentine's Day.

Obviously, the next year is now, and we haven't talked in months. I've gone through months of the worst pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. And while I have definitely come out on the other side, I wasn't quite ready to put up my normal decorations, or do anything special for the day. I'm moving on, without question. I've gone on a couple dates, have realized...I'm not necessarily doomed to be alone the rest of my life. I've met some really promising guys here through Match (expect another installment in that series soon!), and I know that dating is an actual option for me, for the first time in my life. There's definitely a mutual interest with someone right now, and I can honestly say, I'm excited to see what comes of it. I'm open to something new- to someone new. I'm open to the future.

While today has brought with it a twinge of sadness and loneliness, and a bit of amazement of how much can change in a single year, there is something good about this year that wasn't true last year. While nothing will ever change how amazing that particular Valentine's Day was, this one has one edge over that one. Last year, I was so happy to be in a relationship with someone I thought was such an amazing man, and someone I thought loved me fully. Maybe he was and maybe he did, I'll likely never really know. But throughout that relationship, I was always amazed that someone finally loved me. That someone finally wanted me. That someone was finally attracted to me. That's not why I loved him. I wasn't settling, at all. And I didn't find my value in his loving me. But I was still rather astonished that someone like him could want me. Because I was so not used to that. My years of singleness had made me feel more or less unloveable, in the romantic sense. Unattractive. I'd always bee the friend, never the girlfriend or wife. But this year, I have taken that part of my life into my own hands. And you know what I've discovered? I'm actually not entirely undesirable that way. Guys actually do show an interest in me. They actually do want to get to know me and date me. Had things worked out with him, I never would have experienced this. I would have spent my life amazed that he saw something in me, and amazed that he chose me. Not that that is inherently bad, and it's not like I would have let that have a huge impact on our relationship- I was amazed, yes. But I wasn't willing to put up with anything or settle, or accept bad behavior simply because of that.

And though today, yeah, kinda sucks, and I'm not up to my normal Valentine's Day stuff, I'm sitting here on my couch, knowing that there are guys out there, in this city, who are interested in me. I know that, not only do I know I have something to offer in a relationship, there are actual, good, decent guys out there who see that too. It's empowering. So while I could have lived the rest of my life never experiencing this, it is a really great thing to experience now. And it will definitely enrich the rest of my life.

Relationship or not, next Valentine's Day should be better. I won't be in the same place I'm in now. I'll be much more healed. Much more whole. More connected to my community. More settled in my new life. And I'm sure that next Valentine's Day, I'll be putting up my usual decorations, and be back to my old attitude regarding the day. I am glad that my recent experiences, horrific as they have been, haven't caused me to embrace the idea of "Single's Awareness Day" even so. My usual attitude is still there. Just a little under the surface for the moment.

So yeah, today I'm in a bit of a funk. But I'll wake up tomorrow, get ready for and go to work, and things will be better. The day will be over for another year, and I'll have time to move on further. Next year will be better, and I'm really looking forward to it. 

In Which I Get My Nose Pierced

Ever since reading the Divergent series, I have known that I wanted to get more ear piercings, and my nose pierced. I also knew I wanted to dramatically change my hair, and other things about my appearance, in an attempt to look more Dauntless. The whole point of doing all of this was to have the outside- for the first time in my life- match the inside.

Well, I've gotten a lot of the ear piercings, and have definitely changed my hair. My makeup and wardrobe have been changing as well. I had put off the nose piercing, because he didn't like them. Which was fine. But I kept putting it off after the breakup simply because I couldn't bring myself to do it. I hadn't gotten there in my healing yet. Quite obviously, I have gotten a LOT better in the two months since moving to Denver, and I started entertaining the thought of finally getting it done.

When I met Katie in person, for the first time, the topic of nose piercings came up. We decided we'd do it together. So a week later, this past Saturday, we did just that. We met up at the Smokey Banana, and asked to get our noses pierced. It was necessary to document the occasion through many pictures. Katie was a good sport, especially since she knew this was going to go on my blog. Poor girl was just looking for a friend, and now finds herself blog fodder. Oh well.

Here's our "before" picture, with our happy, unpierced noses.

Katie decided to go first. Bless her. She's five months pregnant with her second child, and she volunteers to go through more pain. Fearless mama, that one! 

She took a seat in the chair, and I took a quick picture as our piercing artist gave us the whole rundown of how to care for our piercings. It took maybe two minutes, and Katie was all finished and ready to go!

Katie was pretty much bleeding like a stuck pig (apparently, she does that), and yet she happily gave me the thumbs up. 

Then, it was my turn, and I happily jumped into the chair. I'm no stranger to pain, so I wasn't really terribly worried. I was just glad to FINALLY be getting my nose pierced!

Lovely picture, I know. I'm clearly not terribly vain if I'm posting this picture on my blog...

It was more like a sharp pinch than anything else...

And suddenly, it was all over! Unlike Katie, I am not a bleeder. After wiping away the one drop of blood I did get, that was pretty much all there was to it. They did a great job, and I would totally recommend the Smokey Banana to anyone in the Denver area who wants to get more piercings!

We walked up to the counter to pay, and after being told they were cash only (seriously, I never even carry cash anymore...a sign would help!), Katie kindly withdrew enough money from the ATM to pay for both of us, as I stupidly did not have mine with me. No worries, Katie got paid back! 

After a short conversation, we decided to go out for ice cream at a nearby Menchie's. We had to do something to celebrate our Dauntlessness, and ice cream is always a good choice!

We sat and chatted, getting to know each other better, and reaffirming our decision to become good friends. We spent some time swapping dating stories (she has better ones than I do, simply because...I'm just starting), and talking about what it's like to move to Denver from the Midwest and South. 

When it was time to say goodbye, we took an "after" picture of our newly pierced noses, and went our separate ways. 

I know this might not seem like a big deal to most people. And it's such a trend right now. But to me, and I'm assuming Katie too, as she comes from a similarly repressive fundamentalist background, this was a huge step. In ATI, I was taught that the condition of a person's heart and the status of their relationship with God could be judged by their outward appearance: their clothes, their hair, their makeup, and their jewelry. Even by the "light" that either was, or was not, in their eyes. While my parents never fully bought into that, I did. I was an impressionable teenager, caught up in a fundamentalist Christian cult, with no real way out. What was I supposed to do, other than accept what I was taught? I've already written in previous posts about how I had to turn off the natural INTJ functions of my brain. If I was to survive- literally- I had to accept everything with no questions. Otherwise, I'd go crazy. So I spent years, trying to look the way I was supposed to. And consequently, had no idea who I was looking at in the mirror every morning. 

Every morning since Saturday, I have looked at myself in the mirror, and realized I am much happier with what I see staring back at me than ever before. I look at myself, and I no longer see a sad, confused, lost, scared girl staring back at me. I look in the mirror, and I see a confident, brave, Dauntless woman staring back at me. I look in the mirror and I see...myself. 

Stretching

Saturday was a blast. Now I am not usually one up for socializing all day long, but this was an exception. I started the day by finally meeting my friend, Katie, in person for the first time, at Aviano Coffee, near the Cherry Creek Mall. First of all, that place is awesome. I love the atmosphere, and the coffee was excellent as well. Katie and I sat outside, as it was such an unusually warm and lovely day for January, and we talked about our lives. We're very close to the same age, and have fairly similar fundamentalist homeschooling backgrounds. I always worry that meetings like this will be awkward, but this wasn't. The conversation was easy and real. We wandered through some of the nearby shops, and I found myself surprisingly energized, rather than drained, as I usually am by social interactions.

I had been planning on going home after this, but Katie invited me to hang out with her and some friends in Littleton. Shockingly, this INTJ agreed. So I met Katie and her friends, Erica and Erin, at Larkburger. If you live in the Denver/Boulder/Ft. Collins area and haven't been to Larkburger...GO. Awesome burgers with gluten free options, at more or less Subway prices. And they use biodegradable plastic cups, which I LOVE. Anyway. We ate lunch and chatted about various things, and then all piled into Erin's car to go consignment shopping. These girls are a good influence on me, because as I attempted to talk myself out of buying some items (including brand-new, super Dauntless looking, authentic Coach tennis shoes for $25), they actually encouraged me to put it all back. Um. Really? I have never had anyone do that before! I need to hang out with these ladies more. I'll have more money. We went back to Erin's house for a while, and I found myself very comfortable with these girls. I also was thrilled to find out that all four of us are between the ages of 30 and 32. Friends in town my ACTUAL age! I do have Rowena and Mandi, but I'm so unused to having so many options for friends around my own age. It looks like we'll do some more hanging out in the future, and I can't wait to get to know them all better.

That evening, I braved Elsa's harsh winds to head down I-25 to Colorado Springs. Those wind gusts were moving my car all over the road! My friend C.J. is in the Army Reserves, and is spending a couple weeks at Fort Carson, just south of Colorado Springs. I'd only ever been on Wright Pat before, and that was as a kid. This place was HUGE! The guard at the gate scanned my driver's license and asked if I was just visiting. As I asked for directions to the barracks, a gust of wind slammed the poor guy right into the side of my car. Visions of soldiers being blown about in the air made me try to stifle my laughter. As I drove through the base, keeping an eye peeled for flying objects (a couple tumbleweeds attacked my car with angry determination...), I saw some pretty unusual sights. Ya know, like "tank crossing" signs. I don't usually see those in the civilian world. It was interesting.
I picked up C.J. and we went to eat at Chipotle. We had a good visit, but as the weather forecast was less than pleasant, I decided to head home early. Aside from nearly accidentally ending up on the NORAD mountain, we got back to base without incident, I dropped him off, and headed back home through freezing rain and snow.

After getting home, I thought about my day. How awesome it is that I have so many people in this area that I can fill my off days with doing things other than staying at home all the time. I didn't really mind being a loner so much, but staying at home all the time also didn't really challenge me, either. It kept me safely within my own comfort zone. But now I'm stepping out. Making new friends. Seeing new places. Doing new things. Stretching myself. Things are definitely on their way up, and I'm actively facilitating that. I will continue to facilitate that. And I love it. 

Snow Days

While it's true that my childhood wasn't the most pleasant, and many of my childhood friends would agree that mine was a little more traumatic than that of most of my peers, it wasn't all bad. And sometimes, we need to look back and realize that certain things weren't all bad. I do have a lot of good memories. As I sit and stare out the window at the continuously falling snow, I'm reminded of some of my favorite childhood memories.

I grew up at 6531 Teakwood Ct., in the College Hill section of Cincinnati, Ohio. Teakwood Ct. was a dead end with woods behind our end of the cul-de-sac. Through the woods, was McEvoy Park. While we mostly used McEvoy for playing soccer (as it otherwise had a reputation for being a hot spot for drug deals), on snowy days, it became THE best place in the world. McEvoy has a number of pretty epic sledding hills. And when I say "epic," I actually mean..."EPIC." The hills were high and steep. If it was really cold, the creek that ran through the valley of those hills would even be frozen over. If it wasn't, well, we worked on perfecting two different skills: 1. Bailing at the bottom of the hill, before we hit the creek (no small- or safe- feat coming off of those particular hills, believe me), or 2. Gaining enough momentum to sail over the creek, and bailing before the sled began to slide backwards, back into the creek. We took both skills very seriously. No one wanted to land in the creek and then have to leave, run through the woods, get home, change clothes, and run back. Who wants to miss 45 mintues to an hour of that fun? Besides. We never knew who would show up with a bigger and better sled. We didn't want to miss out on some awesome action! We were actually pretty good at avoiding that creek. But every once in a while, one of us would end up in it, and would run off into the woods, telling the others we'd be back. Come to think of it, that was pretty funny.

It was always like this fun reunion when we all showed up at the park. Depending on exactly where we lived, we would end up on a certain hill in the park. While we would sometimes take a go at another hill, we mostly stayed on our own hills, with our own group of people. My hill consisted mostly of Reynolds, Molloys, Wiggershauses,  Ganders, and a couple other families. We'd wave at each other and trudge to our spots at the top of the hill, and discuss who was sledding with whom, and on what sled. Man, we had fun. We'd usually get called home about 12 or 1 for lunch (and no, cell phones weren't actually a thing back then- either a parent or an older sibling would emerge from the woods to do the calling), and we'd wave goodbye. But after a warm lunch and a change of clothes, we'd be back at the park until it was time to go home so we could beat the dark. Those days were some of my happiest. My favorite days were those before my brother left home, when we all went sledding. It was still fun when I was the only one left at home, but not as much. My dad would go with me then, which was fun (he was REALLY good at bailing before the creek!), but it was never the same.

Now every time we have a big snowfall, I think about McEvoy and the hours upon hours we spent sledding. About the walks through the woods. About how biting the cold was when I wound up with my hands (or worse) in the creek. About the smiles, the laughs, the shouts, and the fun. Those were some really, really good days. And while I have lost touch with literally everyone except the Wiggershaus kids, I wonder if snowy days doesn't elicit the same thoughts in all of them. The same smiles and fond memories. While most of the time, I say, "good riddance," to my childhood, these are the days I remember fondly. These are the days I want to hold onto.

You know, I think it sometimes takes a lot of courage to be able to admit that certain things weren't all bad. That in the midst of the traumas and the painful memories, there were good things there too. I think that usually, we worry that admitting there were good things somehow voids the bad. Or makes it somehow okay. But that's not true. I have some really good memories from my childhood. Was it overall great? No, it wasn't. But was it all bad? No. Some of those memories, I wouldn't trade for the world. Balance is good. We don't have to look at the world through a lens of  optimism or pessimism. The glass is both half full and half empty. There were moments of sunshine through the rain.

There's a quote from season five of Doctor Who that gets me every time. The 11th Doctor says to Amy Pond, "The way I see it, life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't always spoil the good things and make them unimportant." I think that as humans, we often worry that the good things automatically soften the bad, and make them less bad. And we're so scarred, we worry that acknowledging the good will render the scars less awful. But this quote says it all. The good doesn't always soften the bad. The bad is still sometimes, just as bad. But neither can we allow the bad to rob us of the good that was there. Those good things are still there, and they are still, to quote the Doctor, important. And that does take a lot of courage to acknowledge. 

Adventures in Match.com: Part I

I anticipate this post to have multiple parts in the next weeks and months. I hope they're all amusing- there's much humor to be found from participating in sites like this. My friend Kelly often posts amusing tidbits about her experiences on Match as well...including the part where she was accidentally listed as a man for seven years! Thankfully, I have avoided that particular faux pas.

I joined Match a number of months ago, when I decided to move to Denver. I largely ignored the account until I actually moved, in December. Despite being contacted immediately by a 26 year old wearing a wife beater and some interesting tattoos, who had never been married and had 5 children, I pressed on. I find it fascinating how many guys have this profile that states how much they hate it when people never reply to them, because, how can you know just from a cursory look at a profile that someone isn't what you're looking for, and yet, I never hear back from them after emailing. And yes, I know they've read my messages. Hey guys, you dudes friendzone females as much as, if not more than, we friendzone you, so how about dropping the double standard?

In January, I wound up catching the eye of two different people, and texted back and forth a bit for a few days. After about three days, one got a little inappropriate, and when I responded by telling him I'm quite the prude, I never heard from him again. It was more than a little amusing! The other one, I wound up meeting at Starbucks one evening. It turned out that there was no relationship potential between us, but we have remained friends, and text and hang out. Thank you, Match.com, for providing me with my first post-move Colorado friend!

I think my two most interesting encounters on Match thus far have been the following: 1. I got a chat one night from a barber in California who was fascinated by my haircut. He kept asking me questions- just about my hair- and then he disappeared. I wasn't disappointed, but I did find it funny that someone would pay to be on Match, and then strike up random conversations with people about their haircuts. Market research, maybe? Who knows. 2. A few weeks ago, I received an email from another user, consisting solely of his real name, phone number, and "let's talk." While that's not a great way to win a lady's interest in the first place, the dude was 58. He looked quite middle class, and also looked about 65 or older. It's true, I may consider some people more than a few years my senior, but let's face it: My parents are old enough to be my grandparents. If the dude is too old to be my parents' child, he's TOO OLD. For one thing, that's just too weird for me. For another, I'm not looking to become a widow at 50.

One reason I got a membership on Match was because Denver is a big enough city that Match actually has sponsored events, where people can meet each other in safe and interesting settings. I thought it would be a good way for me to get out, meet some single people- in an environment where guys are actually looking for something- and get to know the city a little. So far, I've bought tickets for two happy hour mixers, and one haunted pub tour of Denver's old red light district. Chilan is actually joining me on that one- it should be fun, and I'm sure there will be a post about it!

My first such event happened last Thursday. I arrived at my destination, and very nearly turned around and just went home. Going into a room full of people I didn't know, with the intent of meeting single guys, was more than a little terrifying to this 32 year old, INTJ, homeschooled, formerly committed to courtship ex-fundy who has never dated, and has more than a few social issues. However, I forced myself to go inside. It actually wasn't as awful as I expected. I was greeted by a Match staff member, who handed me a name tag, and told me to write the name of the last song I'd heard on the tag, rather than my name. It was supposed to be an ice breaker. Well, I had one heck of a time trying to remember which song that was, because I have mostly been listening to podcasts since July 1st. The last one I could think of, was "Some Nights," by F.U.N. Not a bad song, and definitely better than the one the poor guy who came in right in front of me had. His was "Rape Me," by Nirvana. I think I would have chosen another song. In any case, I walked into the room, got a drink, and stood there, wondering what the heck I should do next. Luckily, I wasn't left wondering for long, as a very nice guy came up and started talking to me. I was sad to learn that I had missed a Cards Against Humanity mixer a couple months ago. That would have been hilariously awesome. He moved on after a bit, but it gave me a bit of confidence. Not too long later, two other guys walked up and started talking to me. One's name was Oscar, and he even had a picture of Oscar the Grouch on his phone as his wallpaper. Gotta appreciate a sense of humor like that. Finally, I wound up talking to a Ukranian who had moved to the US when he was eleven years old. I managed to impress him with my Russian speaking abilities, past visit to Russia, and knowledge of the USSR and Cold War. Who knew that would come in handy outside the university setting? I left for home around 9:15, proud of myself for actually forcing myself to do something, and rather pleased with the results. A few days later, I heard from one of the guys I had spoken to. Turns out, I got a date out of the evening (no, I'm not saying who- I'm going to be keeping relationship details on here scarce for a myriad of reasons). I'm freaking terrified. But it'll be a good experience for me to get out there and start dating, for the first time in my life. I'd rather not be single the rest of my life, so I'm finally being proactive about things.

While not every blog post I ever write will directly link back to the idea of being Dauntless, this one does. It takes courage for anyone to do something like this. Especially someone with my background and social issues. The psychologist who did my Autism diagnosis challenged me to start dating. It scares the hell out of me. For one thing, it involves meeting new people and getting way out of my comfort zone. For another, it involves the possibility of getting my heart ripped out and stomped on again. It involves making myself vulnerable to hurt and rejection and who knows what else. I am ready to start a relationship with someone else. I am ready to think about a future with someone else. Taking steps like these makes me feel like Tris, climbing up on that ledge, and jumping into the chasm with an unseen bottom. I don't know what's waiting for me at the bottom. I'm trusting that I'm not leaping to my death. Right now, that leap is exactly what I need. So for now, I stand on the ledge, close my eyes...and leap.


(Just a note for anyone freaked out about the prospect of me doing online dating...whenever I meet someone I don't know, a friend always knows where I'm going, when I'm going, who I'm going with, and when they should check in on me- I do keep it pretty safe and smart.)