Last week was a week of goodbyes. I said goodbye to Brody and Miles on Monday. I've been babysitting them on and off for about 3 years. They're (usually) pretty sweet boys. Brody knew I would be moving away eventually, and he was always worried I'd move without telling him goodbye, but I made sure not to do that. He's the only kid I ever babysat who constantly asked if he and his brother were behaving well enough. It cracked me up. Miles, talks a mile a minute. He's adorable, with his little glasses and speech impediment, but I'd be lying if I said there weren't times I sometimes wished he came with a mute button. The goodbyes were sad, but they were okay.
Tuesday, I said goodbye to Liz and Chloe, my friend Krissy's girls. Krissy and I have known each other since we were both kids in Cincinnati. They had lived in Cape for about 18 months by the time I moved there 5 years ago, when her girls were 2, 4, and 5. I loved those girls a ton. Liz and Chloe were always ready with a hug, while Phoebe always refused to hug me just because she could. She didn't dislike me. She was just stubborn. This past October, Phoebe suddenly died of a rare heart defect that is exceedingly hard to diagnose, and always results in a very short life. She was almost 7. My heart broke for that family, because I was about the same age as Liz and Chloe when my own brother died in 1993. I have lived through that hell, and now a family I know and love is there too. I'm not gonna lie- it didn't help my depression any, and Krissy and her mom, Denise, knew it. They knew how hard Phoebe's death was for me, and not just because I loved Phoebe, but because I know what that is like. And sometimes empathy can crush more than the actual pain. And in this case, it did. Especially since I was already in a weakened state. But in any case, I said goodbye to the two girls, and to Krissy, and told them they could always call me if they ever needed to talk. I'm gonna miss those girls.
Wednesday was the day the goodbyes tore my heart out. I said goodbye to my boys. My boys. Sam and Nathan. They both cried and asked me not to go. They both hung on to me like little leeches who didn't want to let go. And I cried too. I held Sam on my lap and told him I'd loved him since he was 3 months old. That I spent hours at a time laying on the couch with him sleeping on my chest as I read. I also spent more Valentine's Days with him than I can remember. Though my dating life was non-existant, I could always count on having Sam as my Valentine's date. Then they moved away from Arkadelphia, and I was so sad. But I got him back a couple years later when I moved to Cape, and with him, his 1 year old brother Nathan. I got to rock Nathan to sleep, much as I had Sam, years before. Nathan would give me smiles and hugs that could melt even the coldest heart. He's always been a charmer. Problem is, he KNOWS it. But both of those boys- Sam with his harsh, judging look, and Nathan with his minion-like giggles- totally grabbed my heart. Whenever I saw them, they would run up to me, yelling "Miss Kathleen!" and give me huge hugs. Sure, they had their moments when they hated me, and I had my moments when I wanted to wring their necks, but I have always loved them so much, and they have always loved me. And saying goodbye to them like this broke my heart. I wasn't supposed to be leaving them behind because my life had become a nightmare, and I was leaving to get out of it. I was supposed to be leaving because I had gotten into a Ph.D. program, and was moving on to the next phase. I left their house, and I went home and sobbed.
Thursday, I said goodbye to my class. I taught the last lecture for I don't even know how long, and told them goodbye. Then I went to say goodbye to the amazing people in the history department. They have all been so good to me. So supportive, so helpful. They all wished me the best, and some told me they couldn't wait to see how I would succeed in Denver.
And now, I'm here. I'm in Denver, away from those people in Cape. The whole thing has been a very different kind of experience. I was honestly too depressed to look forward to anything, including leaving, and having to say goodbye under such awful circumstances was definitely not fun. But now, away from that place- that town that had become so incredibly toxic to me- I feel the closest thing to peace I have felt since the Duggar scandal broke in May. I feel like maybe, I can make it. Even here, I'm surrounded by friends and family. And though this is not how I would have chosen for things to go, and this is not where I would have chosen to be living right now, I know that I did the best thing I could have done, in leaving Cape behind, and moving to Denver.
I'm not thrilled with things right now, but I finally am able to believe that next year, at this time, things will be so much better. And that's what I'm holding onto right now, because saying goodbye to one thing, means saying hello to something else. And I hope that something else is better than I could have ever imagined. Time will tell.
Tuesday, I said goodbye to Liz and Chloe, my friend Krissy's girls. Krissy and I have known each other since we were both kids in Cincinnati. They had lived in Cape for about 18 months by the time I moved there 5 years ago, when her girls were 2, 4, and 5. I loved those girls a ton. Liz and Chloe were always ready with a hug, while Phoebe always refused to hug me just because she could. She didn't dislike me. She was just stubborn. This past October, Phoebe suddenly died of a rare heart defect that is exceedingly hard to diagnose, and always results in a very short life. She was almost 7. My heart broke for that family, because I was about the same age as Liz and Chloe when my own brother died in 1993. I have lived through that hell, and now a family I know and love is there too. I'm not gonna lie- it didn't help my depression any, and Krissy and her mom, Denise, knew it. They knew how hard Phoebe's death was for me, and not just because I loved Phoebe, but because I know what that is like. And sometimes empathy can crush more than the actual pain. And in this case, it did. Especially since I was already in a weakened state. But in any case, I said goodbye to the two girls, and to Krissy, and told them they could always call me if they ever needed to talk. I'm gonna miss those girls.
Wednesday was the day the goodbyes tore my heart out. I said goodbye to my boys. My boys. Sam and Nathan. They both cried and asked me not to go. They both hung on to me like little leeches who didn't want to let go. And I cried too. I held Sam on my lap and told him I'd loved him since he was 3 months old. That I spent hours at a time laying on the couch with him sleeping on my chest as I read. I also spent more Valentine's Days with him than I can remember. Though my dating life was non-existant, I could always count on having Sam as my Valentine's date. Then they moved away from Arkadelphia, and I was so sad. But I got him back a couple years later when I moved to Cape, and with him, his 1 year old brother Nathan. I got to rock Nathan to sleep, much as I had Sam, years before. Nathan would give me smiles and hugs that could melt even the coldest heart. He's always been a charmer. Problem is, he KNOWS it. But both of those boys- Sam with his harsh, judging look, and Nathan with his minion-like giggles- totally grabbed my heart. Whenever I saw them, they would run up to me, yelling "Miss Kathleen!" and give me huge hugs. Sure, they had their moments when they hated me, and I had my moments when I wanted to wring their necks, but I have always loved them so much, and they have always loved me. And saying goodbye to them like this broke my heart. I wasn't supposed to be leaving them behind because my life had become a nightmare, and I was leaving to get out of it. I was supposed to be leaving because I had gotten into a Ph.D. program, and was moving on to the next phase. I left their house, and I went home and sobbed.
Thursday, I said goodbye to my class. I taught the last lecture for I don't even know how long, and told them goodbye. Then I went to say goodbye to the amazing people in the history department. They have all been so good to me. So supportive, so helpful. They all wished me the best, and some told me they couldn't wait to see how I would succeed in Denver.
And now, I'm here. I'm in Denver, away from those people in Cape. The whole thing has been a very different kind of experience. I was honestly too depressed to look forward to anything, including leaving, and having to say goodbye under such awful circumstances was definitely not fun. But now, away from that place- that town that had become so incredibly toxic to me- I feel the closest thing to peace I have felt since the Duggar scandal broke in May. I feel like maybe, I can make it. Even here, I'm surrounded by friends and family. And though this is not how I would have chosen for things to go, and this is not where I would have chosen to be living right now, I know that I did the best thing I could have done, in leaving Cape behind, and moving to Denver.
I'm not thrilled with things right now, but I finally am able to believe that next year, at this time, things will be so much better. And that's what I'm holding onto right now, because saying goodbye to one thing, means saying hello to something else. And I hope that something else is better than I could have ever imagined. Time will tell.
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