My parents arrived from Cincinnati this morning. They're here to see me for a few days, because I couldn't make it home for Christmas. It's nice, being in a new place, showing them around, and running a few errands in somewhere that isn't Cape. But at the same time, it's a little frustrating. There's still so much work to do in my apartment and so much of the Denver area to learn, and I wonder how long it will take this place to feel like home to me. I keep thinking back to last December- it's impossible not to. I couldn't wait to get home to Cape. Home to him. In fact, being away from him made me feel like I was away from home because in a very short time, he had become my home. I even made that song my ring tone for him. I guess that's one reason this all has been so hard. I truly feel like I lost my home. Literally and figuratively. I actually liked Cape. I liked my apartment there. It all did feel like home before him. After him, I just felt trapped in a nightmare. Cape became toxic to me. And I guess now, I don't really feel like I have an actual home. In some ways, Cincinnati will always be my home. But in many ways, I feel like I have outgrown it. So much has happened, and though I will always be a Cincinnati and Ohio girl, I know I don't really belong there anymore.
So now I'm here, in a strange place, in a new apartment, in a totally different part of the country. I'm terrified of my new job, and I don't have any idea what my life is going to look like here. I can't imagine it. I don't know who my new people will be. I've always been such a loner. I know I can't do that here, especially if I don't want to end up alone. I have to put myself out there. I have to get involved in things. I have to actually build a life. And you know what? That's scary as hell. I've never done that before. I barely even know where to start. I have always been such a planner- it goes with the territory of being an INTJ. Apparently, we tend to plan way further ahead than any other type. It's not that we think everything will happen a certain way, it's just that we like to have something to hold on to in our heads. A Plan A. And B, and C, and Z24. You think I'm joking. I'm not. But now? I got nothing. I start this new job the first Monday of the New Year. But what's that going to look like? No clue. What's my life going to look like this summer, or next year? No.freaking.idea. And that's terrifying. I have always been able to tell people where I planned on being for the next several years. But now I have to do what I really don't do well at all: just see what happens. Um. Can I maybe not?
And in the midst of all of this...I still have that feeling that I'm not home. That I haven't been home since July 1st. In all honesty, it's a very real feeling of homelessness. Something, I suppose, like the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years: leaving their old crappy homes behind and not really knowing when they were finally going to get to their new homes. How long will it be for me? What will it look like? I have no idea. And that's where I need to be the bravest; to truly live up to my Dauntless identity. I'm getting better, I really am. Do I still cry? Yes. Does it still hurt more than I can bear? Sometimes. Do I still wonder how the hell I wound up here? All the time. Do I still have to fight the urge to dwell on and over-think things? Absolutely. But it's getting less raw. The depression is more bearable. But dammit, it would be a lot easier if I could see more of a future. Even imagine one that may or may not happen. In fact, that's often been how I have gotten over so many of the traumas in my life- by looking to the future and what was to come. Now? I got nothing. No clue. For all I know, I could be two short steps from the edge of a cliff. It feels like I'm trudging through waist high mud, and can only see maybe half a step ahead. It takes a crazy amount of strength and courage to keep going through all of that. I now have to create a new home for myself, and I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I don't do well with change. I never have. And I have been facing a heck of a lot of change lately.
I guess all that's left for me to do is keep going. Keep trudging along and doing the best I can until I can figure out what "home" even means to me now. And until I can find that. I had never thought so much about what that word actually means before this. I hadn't ever really felt totally homeless, so I never really had the need. Now...I have no idea. So I guess I just see what happens. There's really not much else for me to do. I don't like operating like that, but I don't have a choice. Confusion drives INTJs absolutely batty, and there's still a heck of a lot of that going around in my head and my life. It's amazing I've gone so many months without a panic attack. My anxiety levels have certainly been through the roof. I'm guessing that "home," whatevertheheckitis, will just happen one day, when I'm not looking for it. I'll just suddenly realize I've found it again. So I guess until then, I forge ahead, see what happens, and learn to live with fewer plans and future ideas. And maybe, one day, I'll just realize, life feels better, and I can see a little further ahead. I guess we'll find out.
So now I'm here, in a strange place, in a new apartment, in a totally different part of the country. I'm terrified of my new job, and I don't have any idea what my life is going to look like here. I can't imagine it. I don't know who my new people will be. I've always been such a loner. I know I can't do that here, especially if I don't want to end up alone. I have to put myself out there. I have to get involved in things. I have to actually build a life. And you know what? That's scary as hell. I've never done that before. I barely even know where to start. I have always been such a planner- it goes with the territory of being an INTJ. Apparently, we tend to plan way further ahead than any other type. It's not that we think everything will happen a certain way, it's just that we like to have something to hold on to in our heads. A Plan A. And B, and C, and Z24. You think I'm joking. I'm not. But now? I got nothing. I start this new job the first Monday of the New Year. But what's that going to look like? No clue. What's my life going to look like this summer, or next year? No.freaking.idea. And that's terrifying. I have always been able to tell people where I planned on being for the next several years. But now I have to do what I really don't do well at all: just see what happens. Um. Can I maybe not?
And in the midst of all of this...I still have that feeling that I'm not home. That I haven't been home since July 1st. In all honesty, it's a very real feeling of homelessness. Something, I suppose, like the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years: leaving their old crappy homes behind and not really knowing when they were finally going to get to their new homes. How long will it be for me? What will it look like? I have no idea. And that's where I need to be the bravest; to truly live up to my Dauntless identity. I'm getting better, I really am. Do I still cry? Yes. Does it still hurt more than I can bear? Sometimes. Do I still wonder how the hell I wound up here? All the time. Do I still have to fight the urge to dwell on and over-think things? Absolutely. But it's getting less raw. The depression is more bearable. But dammit, it would be a lot easier if I could see more of a future. Even imagine one that may or may not happen. In fact, that's often been how I have gotten over so many of the traumas in my life- by looking to the future and what was to come. Now? I got nothing. No clue. For all I know, I could be two short steps from the edge of a cliff. It feels like I'm trudging through waist high mud, and can only see maybe half a step ahead. It takes a crazy amount of strength and courage to keep going through all of that. I now have to create a new home for myself, and I don't even know what that looks like anymore. I don't do well with change. I never have. And I have been facing a heck of a lot of change lately.
I guess all that's left for me to do is keep going. Keep trudging along and doing the best I can until I can figure out what "home" even means to me now. And until I can find that. I had never thought so much about what that word actually means before this. I hadn't ever really felt totally homeless, so I never really had the need. Now...I have no idea. So I guess I just see what happens. There's really not much else for me to do. I don't like operating like that, but I don't have a choice. Confusion drives INTJs absolutely batty, and there's still a heck of a lot of that going around in my head and my life. It's amazing I've gone so many months without a panic attack. My anxiety levels have certainly been through the roof. I'm guessing that "home," whatevertheheckitis, will just happen one day, when I'm not looking for it. I'll just suddenly realize I've found it again. So I guess until then, I forge ahead, see what happens, and learn to live with fewer plans and future ideas. And maybe, one day, I'll just realize, life feels better, and I can see a little further ahead. I guess we'll find out.
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