Obligatory Spoiler Warning: Major Mockingjay II spoilers. Read at own risk.
My friend Rowena and I went to see Mockingjay: II yesterday. We'd been planning to see it together during this trip since August, since it was something I had been planning on seeing with him, as the celebration of the one year anniversary of our meeting. I really didn't want to see it alone, but I also didn't want to not go. I have loved the Hunger Games since I read the books right before the first movie came out. Suzanne Collins managed to write a series that resonated, not just with me, but also with many other ATI survivors. She also captured PTSD incredibly well, and that was consistently nailed in the movies. Seeing this one in the theater was important for me in my recovery and moving forward. And I'm so glad I did.
As with the other three movies, this one was done incredibly well. I wouldn't have changed a thing. I remember when I saw Catching Fire, I realized something I hadn't gotten from reading the books: Katniss and Gale ultimately didn't work out because she had been through the hell of the Hunger Games, and there was too much that Gale just couldn't get. Peeta, on the other hand, had been there with her. He wound up with PTSD from it too. He KNEW what Katniss had lived through. He had, too. And it gave them an understanding that was so necessary. I remember thinking after that, I was looking for a Peeta. Someone who had been through the hell of ATI, getting out, and rebuilding. And if not that, at least someone who can somehow have some understanding of what it means to live with PTSD. Because, while it doesn't have to define a person's life, it is, regardless, a significant part of it. While we can work to overcome it, and not allow it to rule us, it is still going to be there. It's not going to go away.
Through Catching Fire and Mockingjay: I, it is easy to see the PTSD in Katniss and Peeta, as well as other victors. Mockingjay: II was no different. In this last movie, Katniss is dealing with even more than ever before. And her disgust with life, Snow and the Capital, and even with Coin and those who were supposed to be the good guys, overwhelmed her, worsening her already severe depression. Near the end of the movie, Effie is talking to Katniss about what her new life, post Capital and post revolution will look like. Effie said something to Katniss that really resonated with me: "I hope you finally find it. The life of a victor." It's what people have been saying to me for months. But, like Katniss, I wasn't in a place where I could really envision that. The weight of everything I was dealing with was so crushing, I didn't even really want to survive. Katniss wouldn't have been opposed to dying during all of what she went through. It would have been a relief. I felt the same way. And being stuck in Cape for so long was in some ways like if Katniss had been trapped inside one of the Arenas. Just stuck, in a living nightmare.
Upon arriving at the home of my friends Jerusha and Christen in Kansas last Wednesday, I discovered that I was feeling a lot better than I had in months. By the time I left for Denver on Friday, I was actually starting to look forward to moving there. And by the time I saw the movie on Saturday, I was ready to hear Effie's statement to Katniss, and finally take it to heart. Yes. I have been through a lot of hell in my life. In fact, more than a lot of people I know. A lot has been taken from me. I have been beaten down and scarred, over and over. But the victory isn't in going on and living a perfect life. Katniss and the other victors were promised wealth, fame, and complete happiness after winning their Hunger Games. Of course, it was a lie. And then came the revolution, and the whole country was torn apart, and Katniss's life was further shattered. But she came out of it on the other side. When Effie talked to her, she wasn't quite ready to conceive that she could, in fact, live a victorious life. The weight of all she had been through was still so crushing. But I was just then finally in a place where I could hear that. The life of a victor. Not one who has leapt all obstacles in a single bound and crushed all opponents unscathed. No. One who has been beaten down again and again until drawing a single breath seems overwhelming. And yet still manages to take that breath. And finally get back up. And let the wounds heal, and keep going.
Finally, they show Katniss and Peeta a few years later, with their two young children. Though the scene was slightly adapted from the book, the lines were nearly word for word. Katniss's infant is sleeping in her arms, and wakes up crying. Katniss asks her if she had a nightmare; that she has them too, sometimes. Then she said, "Someday I'll explain it to you. The nightmares. Why they came, why they won't ever go away, and how I survived." I started sobbing, right there in my seat. It was so overwhelming. The nightmares. Yes. They are a classic part of PTSD. They sometimes have periods where they are few and far between. But they rarely go away completely. Life events and triggers can bring them back more easily than we would like. I struggle with nightmares. I have for years. And I probably always will, to some extent. They likely won't ever completely go away. But I survived. When Katniss said that, I was overwhelmed with emotion, in a way I very rarely am when I watch a movie. I'm just barely at the beginning of getting to a point where I can see survival. And maybe a little more. And yes, I will always be scarred. Terrible things happened. I can't change that. I can't make it unhappen. I can't remove the emotional and psychological, and even neurological scars those things left. They'll always be there. And the nightmares will wax and wane, but not really go away. But what matters is the surviving part. The moving forward. The building a new life. The creating a new future. It's not an easy life; it's not a glamorous one. But it is something very important:
The life of a victor.
My friend Rowena and I went to see Mockingjay: II yesterday. We'd been planning to see it together during this trip since August, since it was something I had been planning on seeing with him, as the celebration of the one year anniversary of our meeting. I really didn't want to see it alone, but I also didn't want to not go. I have loved the Hunger Games since I read the books right before the first movie came out. Suzanne Collins managed to write a series that resonated, not just with me, but also with many other ATI survivors. She also captured PTSD incredibly well, and that was consistently nailed in the movies. Seeing this one in the theater was important for me in my recovery and moving forward. And I'm so glad I did.
As with the other three movies, this one was done incredibly well. I wouldn't have changed a thing. I remember when I saw Catching Fire, I realized something I hadn't gotten from reading the books: Katniss and Gale ultimately didn't work out because she had been through the hell of the Hunger Games, and there was too much that Gale just couldn't get. Peeta, on the other hand, had been there with her. He wound up with PTSD from it too. He KNEW what Katniss had lived through. He had, too. And it gave them an understanding that was so necessary. I remember thinking after that, I was looking for a Peeta. Someone who had been through the hell of ATI, getting out, and rebuilding. And if not that, at least someone who can somehow have some understanding of what it means to live with PTSD. Because, while it doesn't have to define a person's life, it is, regardless, a significant part of it. While we can work to overcome it, and not allow it to rule us, it is still going to be there. It's not going to go away.
Through Catching Fire and Mockingjay: I, it is easy to see the PTSD in Katniss and Peeta, as well as other victors. Mockingjay: II was no different. In this last movie, Katniss is dealing with even more than ever before. And her disgust with life, Snow and the Capital, and even with Coin and those who were supposed to be the good guys, overwhelmed her, worsening her already severe depression. Near the end of the movie, Effie is talking to Katniss about what her new life, post Capital and post revolution will look like. Effie said something to Katniss that really resonated with me: "I hope you finally find it. The life of a victor." It's what people have been saying to me for months. But, like Katniss, I wasn't in a place where I could really envision that. The weight of everything I was dealing with was so crushing, I didn't even really want to survive. Katniss wouldn't have been opposed to dying during all of what she went through. It would have been a relief. I felt the same way. And being stuck in Cape for so long was in some ways like if Katniss had been trapped inside one of the Arenas. Just stuck, in a living nightmare.
Upon arriving at the home of my friends Jerusha and Christen in Kansas last Wednesday, I discovered that I was feeling a lot better than I had in months. By the time I left for Denver on Friday, I was actually starting to look forward to moving there. And by the time I saw the movie on Saturday, I was ready to hear Effie's statement to Katniss, and finally take it to heart. Yes. I have been through a lot of hell in my life. In fact, more than a lot of people I know. A lot has been taken from me. I have been beaten down and scarred, over and over. But the victory isn't in going on and living a perfect life. Katniss and the other victors were promised wealth, fame, and complete happiness after winning their Hunger Games. Of course, it was a lie. And then came the revolution, and the whole country was torn apart, and Katniss's life was further shattered. But she came out of it on the other side. When Effie talked to her, she wasn't quite ready to conceive that she could, in fact, live a victorious life. The weight of all she had been through was still so crushing. But I was just then finally in a place where I could hear that. The life of a victor. Not one who has leapt all obstacles in a single bound and crushed all opponents unscathed. No. One who has been beaten down again and again until drawing a single breath seems overwhelming. And yet still manages to take that breath. And finally get back up. And let the wounds heal, and keep going.
Finally, they show Katniss and Peeta a few years later, with their two young children. Though the scene was slightly adapted from the book, the lines were nearly word for word. Katniss's infant is sleeping in her arms, and wakes up crying. Katniss asks her if she had a nightmare; that she has them too, sometimes. Then she said, "Someday I'll explain it to you. The nightmares. Why they came, why they won't ever go away, and how I survived." I started sobbing, right there in my seat. It was so overwhelming. The nightmares. Yes. They are a classic part of PTSD. They sometimes have periods where they are few and far between. But they rarely go away completely. Life events and triggers can bring them back more easily than we would like. I struggle with nightmares. I have for years. And I probably always will, to some extent. They likely won't ever completely go away. But I survived. When Katniss said that, I was overwhelmed with emotion, in a way I very rarely am when I watch a movie. I'm just barely at the beginning of getting to a point where I can see survival. And maybe a little more. And yes, I will always be scarred. Terrible things happened. I can't change that. I can't make it unhappen. I can't remove the emotional and psychological, and even neurological scars those things left. They'll always be there. And the nightmares will wax and wane, but not really go away. But what matters is the surviving part. The moving forward. The building a new life. The creating a new future. It's not an easy life; it's not a glamorous one. But it is something very important:
The life of a victor.
No comments:
Post a Comment