Saying "Yes"

As most of you, if you're reading this, will already know by now, Andy and I got engaged this past Monday, on July 3rd. It wasn't exactly a surprise, but he did manage to surprise me with his exact method of delivery, and his chosen time. But before I go into that, let me back up a bit.

Andy and I met and started dating on February 18th, 2016. Before we had been together a year, we both knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we were getting married. We had started talking about buying a house, and a vague timeline. We started looking, and bought the house we are now in, in March. It was a new build, so we didn't get to move in until June 1st. I had been planning on a big wedding, but by April, I had already met my max stress capacity for the year, and, well, it was only April. But between Violet's health going up and down (another blog post on that, eventually) and finally losing her on April 5th, my 72 year old mother in Cincinnati breaking her hip and then getting pneumonia, my job steadily increasing in stress, my carpal tunnel surgery...I really just wanted to be settled and done. Do a reception after the fact, with less stress. So we decided to get married in August, in the mountains, in a small, immediate family only ceremony. By June, we had decided on the date- August 3rd.

But one small detail, Andy still hadn't asked. Now, I knew he would ask on July 3rd. To make a long story short, I have a history of spoiling his plans to surprise me. We were talking one day, and I said I thought I knew when he was going to ask. We'd been planning on going to see the Reds play the Rockies on the 3rd since the schedule first came out, so I figured it would be then, and he confirmed. I just didn't know when that day he would ask, but it was going to be hard to surprise me, since I was expecting it at any time that day. He still managed to surprise me.

July 2nd, I went out driving for Lyft, and was out late, but told him I would probably come home about midnight. He said he'd wait up, which he does sometimes, so I didn't think anything of it. So around midnight, when I got another ride request, I texted him I was taking it. And the same for the next two.

I finally walked in around 1:30 in the morning, and called out to him that I was home. The first thing I noticed was the candles, and I thought that was a little odd, and then I saw the roses.

And I suddenly realized...this was it. He came down the steps, and I saw him in a tie, while I was a mess in my workout clothes. I said, "Wow, really?" And he came over and gave me a long hug.

He said a few things, about how much he loved me, and what a great time we've had together, and all our plans.

And then he got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him. Of course, I said yes.

I didn't think he would manage to surprise me, but he did just that. What also took me by surprise was the depth of emotion I felt when I realized it was finally happening. I actually started to tear up, just a little.

All I could think was..."This is actually happening. He is actually asking me to marry him." I knew it was coming, but of course, it's totally different when it actually happens. 

I remember thinking it was never going to happen. That no one would ever ask me to marry them. And then my heart got broken, and I thought, I would never put myself in that situation again. But then I did. And I'm so glad I did, because I got Andy. I met someone who was taken with me from the start, and who wasn't scared by the fact that I was still putting myself back together. A couple times, he even held me while I cried about my heartbreak. He listened to me talk about my childhood, my traumas, my health issues, my Autism, and nothing scared him away. 

We have our issues, but we talk about them. I don't question his commitment to me. I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with him. But still, it's scary. It's scary not knowing what will happen. It's scary knowing everything that could happen. But I'm not going to let the fear of what might happen keep me from living my life. I did that for so many years. That's the whole point of a cult- to keep people terrified of what might happen if they leave the bubble. If they dare to live their own lives. It's all about being safe. But life isn't safe. Nothing is safe. We can try and insulate ourselves as much as possible, but at some point, something is going to happen. So do we try and minimize the potential, or live? I've chosen to live. And I'm so glad. 

I can't wait to marry him.