I know, I know, a bunch of you are already thinking, "There is no 'past truth' or 'present truth,' there is only TRUTH." No worries, I have not become a relativist, I fully agree. But hear me out. Sometimes past truth and present truth are actually two different things. I came to this realization this March, when I was visiting my mom in the hospital for a few days, in Cincinnati.
Mom was in a lot of distress, as she had broken her hip, and then gotten pneumonia while in the hospital. I came out to visit, and lend a hand. I wanted to make sure my 76 year old father was not staying at the hospital every night, and that he was getting some rest. I also wanted to know what was going on, and make sure my parents knew what was going on. Because I have dealt with significant chronic illness my entire life, I understand the human body and illness better than both parents combined. Plus, I'm effectively the only child, so I just needed to be there.
Over the last few years, things have gotten much better with my parents, to the point that there isn't much I don't tell them anymore. They have come SO far, and have gained my trust in a way they hadn't even gad it before ATI. Most visits go down without incident anymore. But we're still human, we still have issues, and I still have PTSD.
One night, Mom was getting really anxious about not being able to eat. She had developed Thrush, and nothing she ate tasted good. This one night, she was really working herself up, and I suggested she take an anxiety pill, because her worrying about not eating was going to do her more harm than actually not eating. Mom was really wound up and unhappy (with very good reason), and she snapped, "Kathleen, I need you to not suggest I take an anxiety pill right now, because that just makes me more anxious."
I acknowledge, given the situation, there was absolutely nothing unreasonable about Mom's reaction. She had every right to be wound up and upset and snap, if she damn well chose. But I also have PTSD. And I got massively triggered. But I had come to help, and I tried to ignore the flashbacks and brewing panic attack, because that wasn't helpful. And it was my night to stay with Mom. I told them I was going to run out and get dinner, and then Dad could leave. As I was walking out, Mom noticed I wasn't okay, and asked what was wrong. At which point, I could no longer hold it in. The last thing I wanted was to make this a THING. But there was no way to avoid it anymore.
I started crying, and Mom asked what was wrong. So I told her that my PTSD got triggered, and that I used to try and suggest solutions to issues, and I would get accused of being arrogant and contentious, and sent to my room to beg God to change my hard, rebellious heart. She used to snap at me much as she did this time. And as I was explaining, I said, "I feel really bad because I came here and it's not your fault- well it is your fault because you gave me PTSD, but it's not your fault now because you're not like that anymore." For one thing, it was amazing that I was even able to realize that it both was and was not her fault, at the same time. Past truth, she gave me PTSD. Present truth, she isn't like that, and she wasn't being unreasonable in the moment. It wasn't her fault, in the present. It was an unfortunate result of her past actions.
But what happened next was even more profound- and healing- than me realizing that what is "past true" is not necessarily "present true." My mom began to comfort me and say it was completely okay and understandable, and that I had been a huge help, and didn't need to be upset. Then she said, "Honey, it's okay. I wouldn't have wanted to have me for a mom, either. I was a terrible mother back then."
That was the first time since ATI that I heard my mother openly and clearly admit that she was horrible to me, and was not a good mom. She always said before that she meant well, that she was sorry, but she was doing her best. All true. But to have her just straight up say, with no qualifiers, that she was not a good mom, was healing in a way I couldn't even fathom. She herself was also acknowledging that yes, it was her fault then. She knew it wasn't her fault in the moment, but acknowledged it was, from the past.
Being able to separate past from present truth has been unbelievably helpful in the last few months. Sometimes, people do change. And what is true from the past, isn't necessarily true in the present. It has consequences in the present, sure. But my mom, my past mom, gave me PTSD. That isn't my present mom's fault. Talk about gaining more compassion and grace for someone.
Hopefully, as I move forward in life with PTSD from multiple causes, this can help me. And maybe, it can help someone else too.
Mom was in a lot of distress, as she had broken her hip, and then gotten pneumonia while in the hospital. I came out to visit, and lend a hand. I wanted to make sure my 76 year old father was not staying at the hospital every night, and that he was getting some rest. I also wanted to know what was going on, and make sure my parents knew what was going on. Because I have dealt with significant chronic illness my entire life, I understand the human body and illness better than both parents combined. Plus, I'm effectively the only child, so I just needed to be there.
Over the last few years, things have gotten much better with my parents, to the point that there isn't much I don't tell them anymore. They have come SO far, and have gained my trust in a way they hadn't even gad it before ATI. Most visits go down without incident anymore. But we're still human, we still have issues, and I still have PTSD.
One night, Mom was getting really anxious about not being able to eat. She had developed Thrush, and nothing she ate tasted good. This one night, she was really working herself up, and I suggested she take an anxiety pill, because her worrying about not eating was going to do her more harm than actually not eating. Mom was really wound up and unhappy (with very good reason), and she snapped, "Kathleen, I need you to not suggest I take an anxiety pill right now, because that just makes me more anxious."
I acknowledge, given the situation, there was absolutely nothing unreasonable about Mom's reaction. She had every right to be wound up and upset and snap, if she damn well chose. But I also have PTSD. And I got massively triggered. But I had come to help, and I tried to ignore the flashbacks and brewing panic attack, because that wasn't helpful. And it was my night to stay with Mom. I told them I was going to run out and get dinner, and then Dad could leave. As I was walking out, Mom noticed I wasn't okay, and asked what was wrong. At which point, I could no longer hold it in. The last thing I wanted was to make this a THING. But there was no way to avoid it anymore.
I started crying, and Mom asked what was wrong. So I told her that my PTSD got triggered, and that I used to try and suggest solutions to issues, and I would get accused of being arrogant and contentious, and sent to my room to beg God to change my hard, rebellious heart. She used to snap at me much as she did this time. And as I was explaining, I said, "I feel really bad because I came here and it's not your fault- well it is your fault because you gave me PTSD, but it's not your fault now because you're not like that anymore." For one thing, it was amazing that I was even able to realize that it both was and was not her fault, at the same time. Past truth, she gave me PTSD. Present truth, she isn't like that, and she wasn't being unreasonable in the moment. It wasn't her fault, in the present. It was an unfortunate result of her past actions.
But what happened next was even more profound- and healing- than me realizing that what is "past true" is not necessarily "present true." My mom began to comfort me and say it was completely okay and understandable, and that I had been a huge help, and didn't need to be upset. Then she said, "Honey, it's okay. I wouldn't have wanted to have me for a mom, either. I was a terrible mother back then."
That was the first time since ATI that I heard my mother openly and clearly admit that she was horrible to me, and was not a good mom. She always said before that she meant well, that she was sorry, but she was doing her best. All true. But to have her just straight up say, with no qualifiers, that she was not a good mom, was healing in a way I couldn't even fathom. She herself was also acknowledging that yes, it was her fault then. She knew it wasn't her fault in the moment, but acknowledged it was, from the past.
Being able to separate past from present truth has been unbelievably helpful in the last few months. Sometimes, people do change. And what is true from the past, isn't necessarily true in the present. It has consequences in the present, sure. But my mom, my past mom, gave me PTSD. That isn't my present mom's fault. Talk about gaining more compassion and grace for someone.
Hopefully, as I move forward in life with PTSD from multiple causes, this can help me. And maybe, it can help someone else too.
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