Some days, I really hate my PTSD. Don't get me wrong, I never love it. For the most part, I have learned to live with it. I have learned to deal with the highly disturbing nightmares that happen more than I would like. I have learned to deal with the flashbacks, and the flood of emotions that I have become much more able to handle than I used to. But sometimes, it rears its ugly head in the most unexpected of places, and totally undoes me. Last night was one of those nights, and today, I'm suffering the consequences.
I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here for many reasons, so please forgive my vagueness. There is a certain person from my past who was extremely abusive towards me for a very long time. I have them blocked on Facebook, and have managed to live my life entirely removed from them for several years. This has exponentially improved my life, and allowed me to move forward and work on becoming a healthier person. But unfortunately, as is often the case, blocking a person and otherwise cutting them out of your life is not a 100% guarantee that they will not ever pop up in unexpected places since, most of the time, you have mutual acquaintances.
Last night, this person popped up on my newsfeed (no, there was no way for me to avoid that happening), and I almost dropped my phone. I physically startled, and found myself wanting to throw up. And here's the frustrating thing about mental illness: we often find ourselves reacting in irrational ways. I knew there was no way this person could hurt me. There was no way this person could actually get to me or do anything to me, just by virtue of them popping up on my newsfeed. Let me be clear, this is the only person in the world I am actually afraid of (more afraid because of potential emotional/mental damage than physical). Cutting them out as I have almost completely guarantees they can't ever hurt me again. Therefore, having such a severe reaction to seeing a picture of them in an unexpected place is rather irrational because they can't actually hurt me. But that's the thing about PTSD. Anything resembling the person or situation that caused it can trigger a severe reaction, even if no real threat is posed.
In the case of what happened last night, it triggered a panic attack. I've had more panic attacks than I can count. I've lived through them. I know they're not going to kill me. But last year, as a result of all of the breakup trauma, I decided to attack my issues with panic attacks. And I was extremely successful. I stopped avoiding things that caused the attacks, and faced them head on. Before last night, the last panic attack I had experienced was 368 days before, when I was in the hospital. A nurse who was behaving wildly inappropriately for the psych ward quite literally stood in my way while she verbally abused me and accused me of things I didn't do, causing, unsurprisingly, a panic attack. But that's another story for another time.
Having another panic attack, aside from the very real trauma of the attack itself and its aftermath, was frustrating for me. I still find it frustrating that I had one last night. I know it's not true, but I feel as though I should have been able to logic my way out of it. It feels like a colossal failure: I managed to keep panic attacks at bay for just over a year, in every situation, and a single picture undoes me. Psychologically, my reaction makes sense. It's part of the PTSD. And yet, I still feel that I should be able to control it. That, in itself, is irrational. If I could completely control it, I wouldn't have PTSD (yeah, I can't win with the cycle of irrationality- talk about INTJ hell...).
So today, as I try to recover from the lack of sleep, the headache, the muscle tension, the overall fatigue and emotional exhaustion, I also try to give myself some grace. I'm not perfect, after all. I'm not superhuman. Having a panic attack is not a sign of weakness. The reality is, it's hugely significant that I went over a year without one. It's not realistic to expect I will never have another panic attack again, as long as I live. Part of living a functional, healthy life is understanding and accepting that I will not always be able to avoid things like panic attacks. I'm only human. And that's okay.
I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here for many reasons, so please forgive my vagueness. There is a certain person from my past who was extremely abusive towards me for a very long time. I have them blocked on Facebook, and have managed to live my life entirely removed from them for several years. This has exponentially improved my life, and allowed me to move forward and work on becoming a healthier person. But unfortunately, as is often the case, blocking a person and otherwise cutting them out of your life is not a 100% guarantee that they will not ever pop up in unexpected places since, most of the time, you have mutual acquaintances.
Last night, this person popped up on my newsfeed (no, there was no way for me to avoid that happening), and I almost dropped my phone. I physically startled, and found myself wanting to throw up. And here's the frustrating thing about mental illness: we often find ourselves reacting in irrational ways. I knew there was no way this person could hurt me. There was no way this person could actually get to me or do anything to me, just by virtue of them popping up on my newsfeed. Let me be clear, this is the only person in the world I am actually afraid of (more afraid because of potential emotional/mental damage than physical). Cutting them out as I have almost completely guarantees they can't ever hurt me again. Therefore, having such a severe reaction to seeing a picture of them in an unexpected place is rather irrational because they can't actually hurt me. But that's the thing about PTSD. Anything resembling the person or situation that caused it can trigger a severe reaction, even if no real threat is posed.
In the case of what happened last night, it triggered a panic attack. I've had more panic attacks than I can count. I've lived through them. I know they're not going to kill me. But last year, as a result of all of the breakup trauma, I decided to attack my issues with panic attacks. And I was extremely successful. I stopped avoiding things that caused the attacks, and faced them head on. Before last night, the last panic attack I had experienced was 368 days before, when I was in the hospital. A nurse who was behaving wildly inappropriately for the psych ward quite literally stood in my way while she verbally abused me and accused me of things I didn't do, causing, unsurprisingly, a panic attack. But that's another story for another time.
Having another panic attack, aside from the very real trauma of the attack itself and its aftermath, was frustrating for me. I still find it frustrating that I had one last night. I know it's not true, but I feel as though I should have been able to logic my way out of it. It feels like a colossal failure: I managed to keep panic attacks at bay for just over a year, in every situation, and a single picture undoes me. Psychologically, my reaction makes sense. It's part of the PTSD. And yet, I still feel that I should be able to control it. That, in itself, is irrational. If I could completely control it, I wouldn't have PTSD (yeah, I can't win with the cycle of irrationality- talk about INTJ hell...).
So today, as I try to recover from the lack of sleep, the headache, the muscle tension, the overall fatigue and emotional exhaustion, I also try to give myself some grace. I'm not perfect, after all. I'm not superhuman. Having a panic attack is not a sign of weakness. The reality is, it's hugely significant that I went over a year without one. It's not realistic to expect I will never have another panic attack again, as long as I live. Part of living a functional, healthy life is understanding and accepting that I will not always be able to avoid things like panic attacks. I'm only human. And that's okay.
Breathe. Keep breathing. One more victory. And you not only survived it, you have a healthy perspective on this reality of being human.
ReplyDeleteFinally got a chance to read through your posts from the last month! Even with incidents like this panic attack here and there, I'm so glad to see you thriving and living this life you've created for yourself.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda and Amethyst!
ReplyDelete