I met an amazing person during my wedding week, in the form of my wedding photographer, Leslie LaRae. I mostly chose her because she was the girlfriend of my officiant, Ryan, who is also one of my best friends in the world. They had been together for a year, and I hadn't gotten to meet her yet. She also happens to be an amazing photographer, so we flew her up to Denver with Ryan, to take my photos. We had kind of known each other a little from the ex-ATI world, but not very well at all. I came to know more about her through Ryan's stories, etc, and knew I would love her, but didn't have any idea how much I would come to really admire her. I am incredibly lucky to know her. This post is about Leslie (posted with her permission, and all photos courtesy of her).
Many of us who have come out of ATI have different ways of looking at ourselves or referring to ourselves, in light of what we have endured. For me, as evidenced by this blog, it's Dauntless. For Leslie, it's Warrior Queen. I always just kinda got it, but after this week, I really, really get it.
Like most who grew up in ATI, Leslie's childhood was filled with trauma, spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, and a complete inability to develop her own identity and personality. Unlike most who grew up in ATI, her childhood was also filled with sexual abuse from her father, and a mother who knew all about it, and refused to do anything to protect her daughters.
She was 19 when she married a man of her parents' approval, who, thankfully, is actually a very decent kind of person, and fairly amazing in his own right. I haven't met him yet, but I'd like to someday. At the time, Leslie didn't really know what love was, thanks to ATI, and desperately wanted out of her parents' house. She soon had adorable twin boys, and entered the world of motherhood.
It wasn't until a few years into her twenties that she started talking to a therapist about the sexual abuse. The therapist called family services, and Leslie was thrust headfirst into a fight that would help make her the warrior queen she is today.
Here is an anatomy of a warrior queen, as embodied by Leslie LaRae:
1. A Warrior Queen Does Not Shy Away From A Just Battle
So many people would have refused to testify, tried to take back or soften their comments, or held back and let someone else fight for them. Leslie did not do this. She realized that not only was her fight for justice, but it was for her own healing. She had to fight for herself, if she was going to be able to move forward with her life. She didn't try to lessen what had happened to her. Instead, she took responsibility for her own fight, and faced her parents in court.
2. A Warrior Queen Fights For Others In Need
Leslie and her ex husband took in two of her siblings to raise for a few years, until the courts allowed her mother to take them back. She could have said she had her hands full with her own children, her own healing, and her own life. But she didn't. She realized her opportunity to help the two youngest, and she took it.
3. A Warrior Queen Is At Peace With Who She Is
Leslie and I both grew up in the same cult, where individuality was forbidden. We were to have a sense of family, not a sense of self. We were identified by our families. It was difficult to know who we were as individuals, once we got out. Leslie allowed her experiences to bring out her true self, not further bury it. Often times, it is safer to bury our true selves, rather than face and embrace it, especially when dealing with a traumatic past. Leslie has embraced her off-beat, warrior nature, and it is a sight to behold.
4. A Warrior Queen Does Not Try To Force A Situation That Is Not Working
As stated earlier, Leslie was 19 when she got married, was pushed towards the marriage by her parents, and wanted to get out. Again, her husband was and is a wonderful person, but that doesn't mean a marriage is going to work. Leslie wanted both her and her husband to be able to pursue a life that was good for them as individuals, and that set a good example for their boys. I won't go into it here, but the way their family works with them divorced is nothing short of a marvel to observe. If all kids of divorced families could experience this in their families, there would be a lot less hurt in the world.
5. A Warrior Queen Knows That Her Femininity Does Not Detract From Her Strength And Warrior Status
Leslie is as fierce as they come. She is not afraid to express herself, speak her mind, admit her faults, and show her strength- physically and emotionally. But she is also not afraid to show her femininity. She doesn't try to downplay her gender or gender identity. She has a shiny pink suitcase and neon pink hair. She doesn't shy away from a great dress and good makeup. And she still knows she is strong and fierce.
6. A Warrior Queen Is Not Afraid To Rejoice For Others
On my wedding day, Leslie was in the car with my mom and me for more than two hours as we drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park. Leslie and I talked about ATI, and I talked a lot about my experience then with my mom, verses my experience now with my mom. I told her the story about how my mom said she wouldn't have wanted to have herself as a mother either (story told here), and it made Leslie cry, as she saw the beauty in the healing. She talked to my mom through her tears, to speak mother-to-mother, about trying to break the cycle of abuse. My mom has done a lot to try to break her own cycle, which Leslie recognized, and rejoiced in.
7. A Warrior Queen Is Not Afraid To Admit When She Is Wrong
Leslie isn't perfect, and she knows it. She isn't afraid to acknowledge that in her life. More importantly, she isn't afraid to acknowledge that to her boys. She isn't afraid to apologize, or ask for their forgiveness. Being a warrior does not mean failing to admit when one is wrong, it means having the courage to admit it and make it right.
8. A Warrior Queen Is Not Afraid To Be Free
This is a late addition, and the only part Leslie hasn't seen. But it's fitting. A lot of people from our background are afraid to be truly free. They live their lives partly free, with one foot still weighted down. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to strip off those weights and truly be the person you were created to be, combined with the person you have become through all of life's ups and downs. Leslie has embraced her freedom, while still managing to be a responsible mother and human being. It's a glorious sight to behold. She is unapolagetically herself, in a way that few people ever manage to be. I think that is the true embodiment of a Warrior Queen.
I could go on and on, but these are the biggest things that struck me. I expected to meet and make a new friend, and get some amazing wedding pictures. I did not expect to meet someone I would connect with on such a deep level, and someone I would so greatly admire. I look forward to watching her grow and develop as the warrior queen she is over the years, and I feel privileged to call her my friend.
It wasn't until a few years into her twenties that she started talking to a therapist about the sexual abuse. The therapist called family services, and Leslie was thrust headfirst into a fight that would help make her the warrior queen she is today.
Here is an anatomy of a warrior queen, as embodied by Leslie LaRae:
1. A Warrior Queen Does Not Shy Away From A Just Battle
So many people would have refused to testify, tried to take back or soften their comments, or held back and let someone else fight for them. Leslie did not do this. She realized that not only was her fight for justice, but it was for her own healing. She had to fight for herself, if she was going to be able to move forward with her life. She didn't try to lessen what had happened to her. Instead, she took responsibility for her own fight, and faced her parents in court.
2. A Warrior Queen Fights For Others In Need
Leslie and her ex husband took in two of her siblings to raise for a few years, until the courts allowed her mother to take them back. She could have said she had her hands full with her own children, her own healing, and her own life. But she didn't. She realized her opportunity to help the two youngest, and she took it.
3. A Warrior Queen Is At Peace With Who She Is
Leslie and I both grew up in the same cult, where individuality was forbidden. We were to have a sense of family, not a sense of self. We were identified by our families. It was difficult to know who we were as individuals, once we got out. Leslie allowed her experiences to bring out her true self, not further bury it. Often times, it is safer to bury our true selves, rather than face and embrace it, especially when dealing with a traumatic past. Leslie has embraced her off-beat, warrior nature, and it is a sight to behold.
4. A Warrior Queen Does Not Try To Force A Situation That Is Not Working
As stated earlier, Leslie was 19 when she got married, was pushed towards the marriage by her parents, and wanted to get out. Again, her husband was and is a wonderful person, but that doesn't mean a marriage is going to work. Leslie wanted both her and her husband to be able to pursue a life that was good for them as individuals, and that set a good example for their boys. I won't go into it here, but the way their family works with them divorced is nothing short of a marvel to observe. If all kids of divorced families could experience this in their families, there would be a lot less hurt in the world.
5. A Warrior Queen Knows That Her Femininity Does Not Detract From Her Strength And Warrior Status
Leslie is as fierce as they come. She is not afraid to express herself, speak her mind, admit her faults, and show her strength- physically and emotionally. But she is also not afraid to show her femininity. She doesn't try to downplay her gender or gender identity. She has a shiny pink suitcase and neon pink hair. She doesn't shy away from a great dress and good makeup. And she still knows she is strong and fierce.
6. A Warrior Queen Is Not Afraid To Rejoice For Others
On my wedding day, Leslie was in the car with my mom and me for more than two hours as we drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park. Leslie and I talked about ATI, and I talked a lot about my experience then with my mom, verses my experience now with my mom. I told her the story about how my mom said she wouldn't have wanted to have herself as a mother either (story told here), and it made Leslie cry, as she saw the beauty in the healing. She talked to my mom through her tears, to speak mother-to-mother, about trying to break the cycle of abuse. My mom has done a lot to try to break her own cycle, which Leslie recognized, and rejoiced in.
7. A Warrior Queen Is Not Afraid To Admit When She Is Wrong
Leslie isn't perfect, and she knows it. She isn't afraid to acknowledge that in her life. More importantly, she isn't afraid to acknowledge that to her boys. She isn't afraid to apologize, or ask for their forgiveness. Being a warrior does not mean failing to admit when one is wrong, it means having the courage to admit it and make it right.
This is a late addition, and the only part Leslie hasn't seen. But it's fitting. A lot of people from our background are afraid to be truly free. They live their lives partly free, with one foot still weighted down. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to strip off those weights and truly be the person you were created to be, combined with the person you have become through all of life's ups and downs. Leslie has embraced her freedom, while still managing to be a responsible mother and human being. It's a glorious sight to behold. She is unapolagetically herself, in a way that few people ever manage to be. I think that is the true embodiment of a Warrior Queen.
Grateful to know more of this Warrior Queen's story - her presence was indeed a wonderful gift to you and Andy, and I look forward to seeing her pictures... and hopefully seeing her again in April!
ReplyDelete