Life is a funny thing. It throws us curveballs we could never see coming, and it pushes us as hard as it can sometimes, to see how much we can take. And sometimes, it also drops really great things in our laps unexpectedly. Sometimes, they're just that- really good things- and other times, they're basically the best thing ever at first, but there's a timer ticking away, somewhere deep inside and indetectable, that is going to blow up in spectacular fashion when we least expect it. Then there are the times we have to just go find what we want, and make it happen. Yes, these thoughts are a little jumbled, but hear me out.
I remember July 1, 2015 with stark clarity. The Josh Duggar scandal had broken a few weeks before, and the constant chatter about ATI in everything surrounding me, had severely triggered my PTSD, launching me into a deep depression. The previous weekend had been rough, but I had just gotten a puppy, and by the time I woke up the morning of the 1st, I realized I hadn't felt depressed since I had gotten her. Waking up is rough for me- I tend to be in fairly severe pain, and moving makes it worse for the first couple hours, so I can probably count the number of times in the last 20+ years I have awakened feeling optimistic and like things were going to go really well. This was one of those mornings.
What I didn't know was that there was a bomb ticking away in the amazing relationship I was in, and it was mere hours from exploding all over me. When he came to my house and broke up with me over his lunch break, I went from feeling like I could take on the entire world, to feeling like the entire world had suddenly collapsed on top of me. I will never forget that feeling. I could go on about everything that followed- I have already talked about some of it here- but I'm not going to.
It's funny how healing and processing work. As much as we would like everything to just heal and tie up in a nice, neat, package, that we can then put aside, and move on, the deepest wounds rarely heal that way. I woke up this morning, feeling an incredible emotional weight and pain. And it was really difficult, knowing I'm in an amazing relationship with the man I'm going to marry, and am very happy in it, feeling like that.
But life isn't about a perfectly linear, neat progression. It isn't about tying up all loose ends, and depositing them behind us, never to bother us again. If that were the case, we wouldn't grow as people. Both the good and the bad would have little impact on us as we lived our lives. One of the biggest keys to living a functional and healthy life, is being able to move forward, and find and create stability and happiness, despite the things that we haven't been able to fully work through.
Since that day two years ago, I have built a whole new life for myself. I made a lot happen, rather than waiting for things to get better. I moved to Denver, without a job. I found one, and it turned out to be very different than what I had been promised, so I quit. With the help of a friend, I found another job, where I stayed for just over a year. I also finally put myself into the dating pool, intentionally. I had never done that before. I went out and met people, and went on a few dates, and through that, I met Andy. Things progressed, and we made plans for the future and bought a house, and I quit my full time job, to be able to do a few things part time, in order to be able to better take care of myself and pursue other interests, such as this blog.
Our life is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wish I could just brush off everything else. But that's not how the human mind works. I think the key is figuring out how to acknowledge and work through the pain of the past, without allowing it to harm the present and future. It's a difficult balance to find, but the important thing is continuously working on finding it, despite the inevitable wobbles.
Part of living a Dauntless life is being brave enough to continue to find joy and build the life we want, and being brave enough to confront the past as needed, too. That's what I strive to do, and as long as I do that, I think I'll be just fine.
I remember July 1, 2015 with stark clarity. The Josh Duggar scandal had broken a few weeks before, and the constant chatter about ATI in everything surrounding me, had severely triggered my PTSD, launching me into a deep depression. The previous weekend had been rough, but I had just gotten a puppy, and by the time I woke up the morning of the 1st, I realized I hadn't felt depressed since I had gotten her. Waking up is rough for me- I tend to be in fairly severe pain, and moving makes it worse for the first couple hours, so I can probably count the number of times in the last 20+ years I have awakened feeling optimistic and like things were going to go really well. This was one of those mornings.
What I didn't know was that there was a bomb ticking away in the amazing relationship I was in, and it was mere hours from exploding all over me. When he came to my house and broke up with me over his lunch break, I went from feeling like I could take on the entire world, to feeling like the entire world had suddenly collapsed on top of me. I will never forget that feeling. I could go on about everything that followed- I have already talked about some of it here- but I'm not going to.
It's funny how healing and processing work. As much as we would like everything to just heal and tie up in a nice, neat, package, that we can then put aside, and move on, the deepest wounds rarely heal that way. I woke up this morning, feeling an incredible emotional weight and pain. And it was really difficult, knowing I'm in an amazing relationship with the man I'm going to marry, and am very happy in it, feeling like that.
But life isn't about a perfectly linear, neat progression. It isn't about tying up all loose ends, and depositing them behind us, never to bother us again. If that were the case, we wouldn't grow as people. Both the good and the bad would have little impact on us as we lived our lives. One of the biggest keys to living a functional and healthy life, is being able to move forward, and find and create stability and happiness, despite the things that we haven't been able to fully work through.
Since that day two years ago, I have built a whole new life for myself. I made a lot happen, rather than waiting for things to get better. I moved to Denver, without a job. I found one, and it turned out to be very different than what I had been promised, so I quit. With the help of a friend, I found another job, where I stayed for just over a year. I also finally put myself into the dating pool, intentionally. I had never done that before. I went out and met people, and went on a few dates, and through that, I met Andy. Things progressed, and we made plans for the future and bought a house, and I quit my full time job, to be able to do a few things part time, in order to be able to better take care of myself and pursue other interests, such as this blog.
Our life is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wish I could just brush off everything else. But that's not how the human mind works. I think the key is figuring out how to acknowledge and work through the pain of the past, without allowing it to harm the present and future. It's a difficult balance to find, but the important thing is continuously working on finding it, despite the inevitable wobbles.
Part of living a Dauntless life is being brave enough to continue to find joy and build the life we want, and being brave enough to confront the past as needed, too. That's what I strive to do, and as long as I do that, I think I'll be just fine.
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