I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little unsettled today. A little on edge. A little jittery. Yesterday, Andy and I reached the 7 month mark in our relationship. We spent part of the day together, and it was great. But then he left (to go watch the Broncos beat the Colts...), and I started feeling less great.
We all know by now that the ex left me incredibly scarred and damaged. Some of that will continue to heal. Some of it never will. But that's part of life. I still fight the mental demons on that issue on a daily basis. Some days are worse than others. Some are horrible. Some are quite good. Today...today is rough.
Why?
Well, I'll tell you.
It was the day after the 7 month mark that the ex came over during his lunch break and broke up with me, leaving me completely shocked and devastated.
I'm someone who makes significant connections between, well, nearly everything. Connections and associations are basically how I process the world and all information that goes through my brain. Usually, it helps. Sometimes, it hurts. This time, it's brutal. I have something called synesthesia. For most synesthetes, everything has a color, but there are other types. For me, I have spatial sequence and spatio-temporal synesthesia. What does this mean? Well, basically, time is far more concrete to me than to most people. Perhaps that's why I'm a historian. But that's another thought for another time. Birthdays, events, dates, years, etc., all have a fixed place in my mind. I'm always highly aware of duration, and of one thing's duration in comparison to other similar things in my life. I could explain more, but for one thing, that would take too much time, and for another, it would probably freak some of you out. Usually, it's a blessing, as it helps give me an unusually good memory. Sometimes, it's a curse. But it's one reason that I always know exactly how old all of my family members are, how long my brother has been gone, how I know when my grandparents died, how I know how long my parents have been married, how long it's been since I graduated from high school, college, grad school...how long since we joined ATI, and how long since I got out. Everything significant has a fixed place in my head.
So for me, the day after the seven month mark has me on high alert. I've been dreading it, as I could see it getting closer. I have repeatedly told myself it doesn't matter, but everything in my head and my gut, and everything about how I process information has screamed otherwise. Every part of me wants to brace for impact, and possibly, sleep through the day. But I have a job, so I'm here at work, hoping the day flies by, and telling myself to chill. Of course, saying it is way easier than actually doing it.
Today is just one of those days I have to power through. It's just one of those days I have to deal with the pit in my stomach, and tell myself that no matter what my mind, body, and emotions are screaming at me, things really are good between us. Andy isn't going to just suddenly be like, "So um...I can't do this..." I'm going to leave work today and meet him and the kitties at his place. We're going to have dinner, play with the kitties, and watch a movie, or perhaps Gilmore Girls. We'll talk about our days, and the day will end, and we'll still be together.
So for today, I'll just have to deal. I'll do my job, and I'll grade exams for my online class, and I'll write a few blog posts, and I'll read on in The Girl on the Train (guys, it's as amazing as they say...and leaps and bounds better than Gone Girl, which many are comparing it with), and I'll make it through, like I always do. I'm okay. I don't feel okay, but I am. And at the end of the day, being okay is far more important than feeling okay. The being is here. The feeling will come.
We all know by now that the ex left me incredibly scarred and damaged. Some of that will continue to heal. Some of it never will. But that's part of life. I still fight the mental demons on that issue on a daily basis. Some days are worse than others. Some are horrible. Some are quite good. Today...today is rough.
Why?
Well, I'll tell you.
It was the day after the 7 month mark that the ex came over during his lunch break and broke up with me, leaving me completely shocked and devastated.
I'm someone who makes significant connections between, well, nearly everything. Connections and associations are basically how I process the world and all information that goes through my brain. Usually, it helps. Sometimes, it hurts. This time, it's brutal. I have something called synesthesia. For most synesthetes, everything has a color, but there are other types. For me, I have spatial sequence and spatio-temporal synesthesia. What does this mean? Well, basically, time is far more concrete to me than to most people. Perhaps that's why I'm a historian. But that's another thought for another time. Birthdays, events, dates, years, etc., all have a fixed place in my mind. I'm always highly aware of duration, and of one thing's duration in comparison to other similar things in my life. I could explain more, but for one thing, that would take too much time, and for another, it would probably freak some of you out. Usually, it's a blessing, as it helps give me an unusually good memory. Sometimes, it's a curse. But it's one reason that I always know exactly how old all of my family members are, how long my brother has been gone, how I know when my grandparents died, how I know how long my parents have been married, how long it's been since I graduated from high school, college, grad school...how long since we joined ATI, and how long since I got out. Everything significant has a fixed place in my head.
So for me, the day after the seven month mark has me on high alert. I've been dreading it, as I could see it getting closer. I have repeatedly told myself it doesn't matter, but everything in my head and my gut, and everything about how I process information has screamed otherwise. Every part of me wants to brace for impact, and possibly, sleep through the day. But I have a job, so I'm here at work, hoping the day flies by, and telling myself to chill. Of course, saying it is way easier than actually doing it.
Today is just one of those days I have to power through. It's just one of those days I have to deal with the pit in my stomach, and tell myself that no matter what my mind, body, and emotions are screaming at me, things really are good between us. Andy isn't going to just suddenly be like, "So um...I can't do this..." I'm going to leave work today and meet him and the kitties at his place. We're going to have dinner, play with the kitties, and watch a movie, or perhaps Gilmore Girls. We'll talk about our days, and the day will end, and we'll still be together.
So for today, I'll just have to deal. I'll do my job, and I'll grade exams for my online class, and I'll write a few blog posts, and I'll read on in The Girl on the Train (guys, it's as amazing as they say...and leaps and bounds better than Gone Girl, which many are comparing it with), and I'll make it through, like I always do. I'm okay. I don't feel okay, but I am. And at the end of the day, being okay is far more important than feeling okay. The being is here. The feeling will come.
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