No, I'm not quoting Lady Gaga. I'm actually working on my poker face- and my poker game. As I have mentioned in earlier blog posts, Andy and his family love poker. I'm not exaggerating. Guys, they love it. While none are professionals, Andy and his brothers have all gone to Las Vegas at times to participate in the World Series of Poker (otherwise known as WSOP). I've long wanted to learn how to play poker- not as much for the game, as for a greater understanding of various metaphors in everyday speech, as well as poker references in movies. But Andy has been teaching me now, and I'd actually like to be able to play in some tournaments with him at some point.
Every Tuesday and Thursday, a bunch of people (mainly men), get together at the little restaurant in Andy's community and play Texas Hold'Em. A couple weeks, ago, Andy and I went on a Tuesday night to join in. I was thinking...just a handful of people, a couple hours, no worries. Nope. There were three tables, with 22 people total. I was the only female playing. Yaaaaaay.
Andy bought us both in (I gave him the literally $5 I had to spare- being out of work for months has a way of catching up with you!), and I informed the table that I had played before, but not much. I asked a lot of questions, and mostly did okay. I wasn't the first person out, and Andy did the second allowed buy-in for me. I picked up a few more things along the way that I hadn't known before, and just overall got stronger in my understanding and playing ability.
While poker is just...poker to a lot of people, it's not just a game to me. It's scary as hell, and takes a LOT of courage for me to really work on getting good enough to play with strangers and in real tournaments. And there are a lot of reasons for that.
First, my parents have loosened up a LOT since I was a kid. No, they weren't anywhere near ATI level when I was little (pre-13), but they were still on the more conservative side of the Catholics and Evangelicals we spent time around. While they don't seem to have issues with non-compulsive gambling anymore (just like they have no issues with non-compulsive drinking, etc.), when I was a kid, they presented gambling as always a bad thing. It was a waste of money; an unwise chance to take with your resources. I remember once when one of my classmates at Little Flower brought in something for Show and Tell that her dad had brought her from one of his gambling trips to Las Vegas. I didn't have any idea what gambling was, but I remembered the word. I also have zero memory of what it was that Sarah was showing, but I remember I thought it was cool. When I got home, I talked to my mom about it, and she said, very seriously, "Oh dear. Gambling isn't good. It's very dangerous." Living with that kind of mindset for most of my life, well...it's hard to break away from.
Second, I'm an INTJ. Which means I loathe being bad at something. Even if I'm just starting. I hate it when people know I don't know what I'm doing. I hate being the worst at something. It's okay if I'm not the best (though I would prefer to be, of course), but as long as there's at least a person or two or three who end up being worse. While I'm usually not the first person out, and I have been told by a few people I definitely don't suck for being a beginner, I still don't like not being at least...decent. Yes, I realize this is an ego thing. But it's an ego thing that goes all the way back to my identity and sense of self worth. More than love, I need respect, and to know I am respected. I don't like it when people don't think I know what I'm doing. There was a guy at the poker table who was ragging on me because he knew I had little to no idea what I was doing. Sure, it's part of the game, and I need to have a thick skin. The better I get, the less it'll bother me. But for now, putting myself out there is incredibly uncomfortable and scary.
Third, I may be high functioning, I'm still Autistic. That means I'm more uncomfortable around people I don't know than your average person. It also means that picking up on social cues is incredibly hard. Trying to play a new game that requires a lot of thought and strategy, as well as actually being able to read the people around me, is even harder and scarier.
Putting myself out there as a poker player is scary as hell. But I'm not going to shy away from it. I think I can really enjoy it as I get better. Moving here has been all about challenging my comfort zones and becoming more Dauntless. Silly as it might sound, learning to play poker is part of that. So as uncomfortable as it is for the time being, I'm going to continue going, learning, and developing my skills. Hopefully, I'll end up being halfway decent. Time will tell, I suppose.
Every Tuesday and Thursday, a bunch of people (mainly men), get together at the little restaurant in Andy's community and play Texas Hold'Em. A couple weeks, ago, Andy and I went on a Tuesday night to join in. I was thinking...just a handful of people, a couple hours, no worries. Nope. There were three tables, with 22 people total. I was the only female playing. Yaaaaaay.
Andy bought us both in (I gave him the literally $5 I had to spare- being out of work for months has a way of catching up with you!), and I informed the table that I had played before, but not much. I asked a lot of questions, and mostly did okay. I wasn't the first person out, and Andy did the second allowed buy-in for me. I picked up a few more things along the way that I hadn't known before, and just overall got stronger in my understanding and playing ability.
While poker is just...poker to a lot of people, it's not just a game to me. It's scary as hell, and takes a LOT of courage for me to really work on getting good enough to play with strangers and in real tournaments. And there are a lot of reasons for that.
First, my parents have loosened up a LOT since I was a kid. No, they weren't anywhere near ATI level when I was little (pre-13), but they were still on the more conservative side of the Catholics and Evangelicals we spent time around. While they don't seem to have issues with non-compulsive gambling anymore (just like they have no issues with non-compulsive drinking, etc.), when I was a kid, they presented gambling as always a bad thing. It was a waste of money; an unwise chance to take with your resources. I remember once when one of my classmates at Little Flower brought in something for Show and Tell that her dad had brought her from one of his gambling trips to Las Vegas. I didn't have any idea what gambling was, but I remembered the word. I also have zero memory of what it was that Sarah was showing, but I remember I thought it was cool. When I got home, I talked to my mom about it, and she said, very seriously, "Oh dear. Gambling isn't good. It's very dangerous." Living with that kind of mindset for most of my life, well...it's hard to break away from.
Second, I'm an INTJ. Which means I loathe being bad at something. Even if I'm just starting. I hate it when people know I don't know what I'm doing. I hate being the worst at something. It's okay if I'm not the best (though I would prefer to be, of course), but as long as there's at least a person or two or three who end up being worse. While I'm usually not the first person out, and I have been told by a few people I definitely don't suck for being a beginner, I still don't like not being at least...decent. Yes, I realize this is an ego thing. But it's an ego thing that goes all the way back to my identity and sense of self worth. More than love, I need respect, and to know I am respected. I don't like it when people don't think I know what I'm doing. There was a guy at the poker table who was ragging on me because he knew I had little to no idea what I was doing. Sure, it's part of the game, and I need to have a thick skin. The better I get, the less it'll bother me. But for now, putting myself out there is incredibly uncomfortable and scary.
Third, I may be high functioning, I'm still Autistic. That means I'm more uncomfortable around people I don't know than your average person. It also means that picking up on social cues is incredibly hard. Trying to play a new game that requires a lot of thought and strategy, as well as actually being able to read the people around me, is even harder and scarier.
Putting myself out there as a poker player is scary as hell. But I'm not going to shy away from it. I think I can really enjoy it as I get better. Moving here has been all about challenging my comfort zones and becoming more Dauntless. Silly as it might sound, learning to play poker is part of that. So as uncomfortable as it is for the time being, I'm going to continue going, learning, and developing my skills. Hopefully, I'll end up being halfway decent. Time will tell, I suppose.
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