About two weeks ago, I joined my friend Mandi for her small group's girl's night. I was the odd one out- new in town, single, no kids, not exactly on the same track in regards to church related things. There were only five of us, and I wasn't sure what to expect. We wound up in Mollie's basement, just chatting. And since they knew that Mandi and I met in ATI, they started asking questions about it. Since my family was more deeply involved, I did most of the talking, and it turned more to questions about me and my experience. Also things about why I moved to Colorado, etc. It was fine- the way I see it, things are the way they are. Things happened. Bad things. Things I can't change. Things that have heavily impacted my life. They don't define me. But they have helped shape me. I have done my best to control how everything has shaped me, but I can't deny that they have changed my life. In some ways, they have complicated my life, in others, they've made me stronger. They have definitely made me a survivor. I've learned life is often easier if I accept things and talk about them as though they're no big deal. It also helps others understand where I've come from, and that cults are real, and we never know when the people around us are survivors.
The girls were incredibly understanding as I spoke. They asked honest, and sometimes blunt questions, always making it clear that that I didn't have to answer anything I didn't want to. But I felt safe, and unjudged. So I talked. I told them about life in ATI, a little about life before, and a lot about life after. Talked about how my learning disabilities and Autism played into things. And about my PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression. They never tried to tell me that if my heart had been in the right place, I wouldn't have gotten PTSD or Anxiety or Depression. I've had people tell me that before. I've actually lost friends over that before.
Then one of them asked me where I am now with God and Christianity. So I was honest. I said I don't identify as a Christian anymore, and why. I talked about how hard it was for some people to accept that. How some decided I must not have done something right. That I must not have been sincere in my searching. But none of the girls tried to quote Scripture to me- they all knew there wasn't anything they could say that I hadn't heard before. They understood how I got to where I am. They understood that this isn't about me living my life with no authority. They understood that this doesn't make me a bad person, or insincere, or hardened. They understood...it makes me human. It makes me real. And to a very real extent, it makes me wise. I walked away because I could no longer function, trying to figure things out. That the cognitive dissonance threatened to tear my life apart.
And it was great. I knew where they all stood, and yet, they didn't judge me. They got it. They still treat me as any other person. Not one of the "lost" to be brought into the fold. They respect where I have come from, and where I am. I have lost the respect of a lot of people as I have become honest about things. But not theirs. They still include me in things, they still ask me to watch their kids, they still talk to me like anyone else. And I love it. It's something I'm fairly unused to. But moving here has allowed me to meet such a great group of ladies. Mandi has embraced me living here, and has done a lot to make sure we do things together, and she includes me in her circles. Moving here was the exact thing I needed. The people here have been amazing. I have never in my life had so many opportunities to do things and hang out with friends.
I came here to become more myself; to live a Dauntless life. And sometimes, that involves opening up, allowing other people in, and developing new relationships. I'm able to do that here in a way I haven't really been able to before, and I love it.
The girls were incredibly understanding as I spoke. They asked honest, and sometimes blunt questions, always making it clear that that I didn't have to answer anything I didn't want to. But I felt safe, and unjudged. So I talked. I told them about life in ATI, a little about life before, and a lot about life after. Talked about how my learning disabilities and Autism played into things. And about my PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression. They never tried to tell me that if my heart had been in the right place, I wouldn't have gotten PTSD or Anxiety or Depression. I've had people tell me that before. I've actually lost friends over that before.
Then one of them asked me where I am now with God and Christianity. So I was honest. I said I don't identify as a Christian anymore, and why. I talked about how hard it was for some people to accept that. How some decided I must not have done something right. That I must not have been sincere in my searching. But none of the girls tried to quote Scripture to me- they all knew there wasn't anything they could say that I hadn't heard before. They understood how I got to where I am. They understood that this isn't about me living my life with no authority. They understood that this doesn't make me a bad person, or insincere, or hardened. They understood...it makes me human. It makes me real. And to a very real extent, it makes me wise. I walked away because I could no longer function, trying to figure things out. That the cognitive dissonance threatened to tear my life apart.
And it was great. I knew where they all stood, and yet, they didn't judge me. They got it. They still treat me as any other person. Not one of the "lost" to be brought into the fold. They respect where I have come from, and where I am. I have lost the respect of a lot of people as I have become honest about things. But not theirs. They still include me in things, they still ask me to watch their kids, they still talk to me like anyone else. And I love it. It's something I'm fairly unused to. But moving here has allowed me to meet such a great group of ladies. Mandi has embraced me living here, and has done a lot to make sure we do things together, and she includes me in her circles. Moving here was the exact thing I needed. The people here have been amazing. I have never in my life had so many opportunities to do things and hang out with friends.
I came here to become more myself; to live a Dauntless life. And sometimes, that involves opening up, allowing other people in, and developing new relationships. I'm able to do that here in a way I haven't really been able to before, and I love it.
it's uplifting to know that the Christians you're around now (even though you don't align with them) can have a chance to show you how real Christians should be acting. understanding, compassion, inclusion, and love are powerful and healing to everyone, especially to those who have suffered at the hands of legalism. ostracizing, judgment, and condemning will never have a positive impact on someone, and that's a lesson that moralistic idealists need to learn. hopefully more Christians will learn to behave in a way that genuinely attracts others to them, instead of crushing the spirits of those who are different.
ReplyDeletealso, i'm sorry people have ever told you that you wouldn't have had issues if your heart had been in the right place. that's garbage. you wouldn't have suffered these difficulties if you had been respected as an actual human being with feelings and emotions, instead of as a programable robot.
ReplyDeleteThank you. :-)
ReplyDelete