An Anatomy of A Warrior Queen

I met an amazing person during my wedding week, in the form of my wedding photographer, Leslie LaRae. I mostly chose her because she was the girlfriend of my officiant, Ryan, who is also one of my best friends in the world. They had been together for a year, and I hadn't gotten to meet her yet. She also happens to be an amazing photographer, so we flew her up to Denver with Ryan, to take my photos. We had kind of known each other a little from the ex-ATI world, but not very well at all. I came to know more about her through Ryan's stories, etc, and knew I would love her, but didn't have any idea how much I would come to really admire her. I am incredibly lucky to know her. This post is about Leslie (posted with her permission, and all photos courtesy of her).

Many of us who have come out of ATI have different ways of looking at ourselves or referring to ourselves, in light of what we have endured. For me, as evidenced by this blog, it's Dauntless. For Leslie, it's Warrior Queen. I always just kinda got it, but after this week, I really, really get it. 

Like most who grew up in ATI, Leslie's childhood was filled with trauma, spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, and a complete inability to develop her own identity and personality. Unlike most who grew up in ATI, her childhood was also filled with sexual abuse from her father, and a mother who knew all about it, and refused to do anything to protect her daughters. 

She was 19 when she married a man of her parents' approval, who, thankfully, is actually a very decent kind of person, and fairly amazing in his own right. I haven't met him yet, but I'd like to someday. At the time, Leslie didn't really know what love was, thanks to ATI, and desperately wanted out of her parents' house. She soon had adorable twin boys, and entered the world of motherhood.

It wasn't until a few years into her twenties that she started talking to a therapist about the sexual abuse. The therapist called family services, and Leslie was thrust headfirst into a fight that would help make her the warrior queen she is today.

Here is an anatomy of a warrior queen, as embodied by Leslie LaRae:

1. A Warrior Queen Does Not Shy Away From A Just Battle
So many people would have refused to testify, tried to take back or soften their comments, or held back and let someone else fight for them. Leslie did not do this. She realized that not only was her fight for justice, but it was for her own healing. She had to fight for herself, if she was going to be able to move forward with her life. She didn't try to lessen what had happened to her. Instead, she took responsibility for her own fight, and faced her parents in court.

2. A Warrior Queen Fights For Others In Need
Leslie and her ex husband took in two of her siblings to raise for a few years, until the courts allowed her mother to take them back. She could have said she had her hands full with her own children, her own healing, and her own life. But she didn't. She realized her opportunity to help the two youngest, and she took it.

3. A Warrior Queen Is At Peace With Who She Is
Leslie and I both grew up in the same cult, where individuality was forbidden. We were to have a sense of family, not a sense of self. We were identified by our families. It was difficult to know who we were as individuals, once we got out. Leslie allowed her experiences to bring out her true self, not further bury it. Often times, it is safer to bury our true selves, rather than face and embrace it, especially when dealing with a traumatic past. Leslie has embraced her off-beat, warrior nature, and it is a sight to behold.

4. A Warrior Queen Does Not Try To Force A Situation That Is Not Working
As stated earlier, Leslie was 19 when she got married, was pushed towards the marriage by her parents, and wanted to get out. Again, her husband was and is a wonderful person, but that doesn't mean a marriage is going to work. Leslie wanted both her and her husband to be able to pursue a life that was good for them as individuals, and that set a good example for their boys. I won't go into it here, but the way their family works with them divorced is nothing short of a marvel to observe. If all kids of divorced families could experience this in their families, there would be a lot less hurt in the world.

5. A Warrior Queen Knows That Her Femininity Does Not Detract From Her Strength And Warrior Status
Leslie is as fierce as they come. She is not afraid to express herself, speak her mind, admit her faults, and show her strength- physically and emotionally. But she is also not afraid to show her femininity. She doesn't try to downplay her gender or gender identity. She has a shiny pink suitcase and neon pink hair. She doesn't shy away from a great dress and good makeup. And she still knows she is strong and fierce.

6. A Warrior Queen Is Not Afraid To Rejoice For Others
On my wedding day, Leslie was in the car with my mom and me for more than two hours as we drove up to Rocky Mountain National Park. Leslie and I talked about ATI, and I talked a lot about my experience then with my mom, verses my experience now with my mom. I told her the story about how my mom said she wouldn't have wanted to have herself as a mother either (story told here), and it made Leslie cry, as she saw the beauty in the healing. She talked to my mom through her tears, to speak mother-to-mother, about trying to break the cycle of abuse. My mom has done a lot to try to break her own cycle, which Leslie recognized, and rejoiced in.

7. A Warrior Queen Is Not Afraid To Admit When She Is Wrong
Leslie isn't perfect, and she knows it. She isn't afraid to acknowledge that in her life. More importantly, she isn't afraid to acknowledge that to her boys. She isn't afraid to apologize, or ask for their forgiveness. Being a warrior does not mean failing to admit when one is wrong, it means having the courage to admit it and make it right.

8. A Warrior Queen Is Not Afraid To Be Free
This is a late addition, and the only part Leslie hasn't seen. But it's fitting. A lot of people from our background are afraid to be truly free. They live their lives partly free, with one foot still weighted down. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to strip off those weights and truly be the person you were created to be, combined with the person you have become through all of life's ups and downs. Leslie has embraced her freedom, while still managing to be a responsible mother and human being. It's a glorious sight to behold. She is unapolagetically herself, in a way that few people ever manage to be. I think that is the true embodiment of a Warrior Queen.

I could go on and on, but these are the biggest things that struck me. I expected to meet and make a new friend, and get some amazing wedding pictures. I did not expect to meet someone I would connect with on such a deep level, and someone I would so greatly admire. I look forward to watching her grow and develop as the warrior queen she is over the years, and I feel privileged to call her my friend.

Of Jobs and Job Stress

I moved to Denver without a job. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I belonged here, and even if it meant sleeping in my car through a Colorado winter, I had to be here. It wasn't long before I got a job with a dry cleaning company, as their marketing intern. I wasn't told that I would be pretty much running one of the stores, and processing clothes, on top of marketing. Not only that, but I didn't know the owner would push  back against every single idea I had. Between constantly dealing with buttons and tagging, etc, my hands quickly gave out. I was there three months before I put in my notice, and then quit, without another job.

I spent the next six weeks searching for another job. I don't have the health to work multiple jobs, 60+ hours a week to make ends meet. I also don't have the mental agility to be able to do a  lot of things. Academia is perfect for me, and little else is good long term. I didn't even know what I could do.

Thank goodness for Jim. My friend, Jim Ciago, has worked at Level 3 Communications for years, and started working diligently to try and get me a job. It took interviews for four different positions to get a job there, but I finally got one, and started the day after Memorial Day, 2016. I was one of about 100 new Customer Care Managers hired all at once.

The job wasn't bad, until I got fully ramped up, and I made enough money to make ends meet, for the first time in my life. The company is a fantastic company to work for, but it is well known throughout the company that Customer Care Managers have THE hardest jobs in the entire organization. We're really the company's blood and oxygen. Take us out, and the ENTIRE company falls apart. We have to deal with angry customers, net builds (adding fiber to allow us to connect to the right spot. Sometimes a laughably simple fix, sometimes we have to actually get permission from the cities involved to tear up parts of major streets to lay the fiber under the street...netbuilds can take anywhere between a couple days, to over a year), things that go wrong beyond our control, human error, etc. We deal with every product the company sells, on three different ecosystems, with procedures and programs that change on a nearly weekly basis.

"Stressful," is an understatement.

Now, I can handle stress. I wrote a 90 page Master's thesis in 6 weeks, which I would never advise. BAD idea. People, just say no. I wound up on a liquid diet for the last two weeks, because I got ulcers from the stress. But I never had a panic attack, I never cried myself to sleep. It was incredibly stressful, but I handled it, and turned out a good product.

With my CCM job, I had multiple panic attacks some days, and often cried myself to sleep, thinking, "Please don't make me go back there!" What's the difference? I don't do a thousand different pieces at once. I do one. Maybe two. Sure, I can max those things out to the point that would have most people catatonic, but throw in a thousand moving parts and expect me to keep track of it all, and I just. can't. do it. I'm not wired that way.

So I quit my job.

It was exactly what I needed at the time, but not for me in the long run. Thank goodness for Andy's good job, Lyft, and my teaching. I can still contribute, without stressing myself more than is good. I can also have more time to focus on things I want to do, like developing this blog. It also gives me more time to focus on my health.

I don't think I will ever not work. It's not how I'm wired. I am always doing things to bring in money, whether it's working as a personal assistant for an elderly woman in Cape Girardeau, babysitting, selling Norwex, tutoring, selling clothes on Poshmark, driving for Lyft, teaching classes, working full time, or any of a dozen other possibilities, I will always be doing something, even if we suddenly come into money. Which, let's face it, ain't gonna happen. But this is part of who I am. It's nice having the medium sized paycheck every couple weeks, but being able to do other things, while still bringing in money is far better. I can't wait to see what comes next.

A Dauntless in Denver Wedding Week: Part 8

Final part! We're home now, and the kitties couldn't be more thrilled. They're chasing each other, but staying very nearby. They weren't happy to be left alone for 24 hours between the time that Leslie and Ryan left, and the time Andy and I got home! They were also unhappy that I didn't have any wet food for them until Andy got home from his trip to the gym and grocery store. I was pretty sure they were about to attack and eat *me* even though they had dry food upstairs.

Our plan was to leave the hotel this morning by 10, but we got out almost an hour earlier than that. Aside from a few traffic backups, that I mostly slept through, our trip home was uneventful, and we pulled in a little after 1pm.

We came in to happy kitties, lots of packages- some we ordered, some wedding presents- and more leftover P.F. Chang's and wedding cake than I think we could ever possibly eat. Trying to consolidate all of that food into a more organized chaos in the refrigerator took almost an hour. Not even kidding. All that time, the kitties were circling me and yowling for wet food.

I got things unpacked, washed some dishes, wrote some thank you notes, and got some things organized in the master bathroom.

No, we didn't have a big honeymoon right now, we're planning that for later, and mostly because of money. But I'm actually glad about that. The wedding has me exhausted, and I'm ready to be home, settle into post-wedding life, and rest. Had we gone on a big honeymoon now, I'd have been exhausted and wouldn't have enjoyed it at all. As it was, I didn't have a lot of energy to do a whole lot. But now we can plan for a trip, when things are much calmer, and I don't have a thousand other things to take care of.

Yes, it's a short post, and not very exciting, but it's me returning to real life. I have several other posts coming up this week, so watch for them. My hope is to get into a daily cadence for posts. I have been wanting to put a lot more into this blog since quitting my job, but the wedding took up too much mental energy.

I can't wait to see how life unfolds, now that we're back home, and settling into married life. 

A Dauntless in Denver Wedding Week: Part 7

Sunday morning, we actually had to get up and leave, because we had reservations to go white water rafting.  Andy and I had gone before, when we were here over Memorial Day Weekend in 2016, which I wrote about here.  That trip was way more intense than this one. Right now, the Colorado River is at low water, for our last trip, it was as high as it could be and have them not close the river! So today was more relaxing, whereas last trip was exhausting, thrilling, and we wound up looking like we had been mugged the day after, with all the bruises.

Our guide was Finn, a 19 year old engineering student from Aberdeen, Scotland, who was here working for the summer. He was hilarious, and awesome. The rapids we hit were fun, though I didn't feel quite as Dauntless as the last time- there was no fear of drowning in the boat, nor was I holding on for dear life to avoid being thrown from the boat. But hey, I won't feel like I was hit by a truck for a week! I couldn't go swimming this time, because, new tattoos, but Andy did. They had him stand up on the front of the raft, and hold onto the rope, and they would try to spin the raft in circles to make him fall off. We didn't even get to the part where we were moving, he just fell right off the raft and into the river, with a giant splash. I may have mocked him.

We got back from the trip, and walked across the street to an ice cream shop, where we loaded up on candy, and also got ice cream. We sat on the porch and ate it, while petting a couple dogs, then went to get nachos to go from the Glenwood Canyon BrewPub, because...seriously...delicious.

After that, I crashed, HARD. I must have slept for over two hours. It was awesome. I really wanted a low key last night before heading home, so we just went to the restaurant in the hotel, to eat dinner. It wasn't the best meal we have had on this trip, but it wasn't bad.

We went back to the ice cream shop so Andy could get a pound of Jelly Bellys for the trip, and we both got more ice cream. I may or may not have gotten bubblegum ice cream. Yes, I am 34. A Dauntless doesn't care what people think about their ice cream choices.

Saving Private Ryan was on tv when we got back to the hotel room, so we watched that as we packed up to be ready to leave in the morning. This trip was good, but it will also be good to be home and settle into married life. 

A Dauntless in Denver Wedding Week: Part 6

Saturday, I woke up earlier than expected, not because I was awake- I was not- but because I was ravenous. We headed to Our Daily Bread for breakfast, and since we walk everywhere in this town, I kept whining at Andy to slow down because I wasn't awake enough, and therefore coordinated enough, to walk that fast.

Breakfast was delicious, and they even had gluten free bread for toast or eggs benedict, or french toast. I had an egg white omlette with toast and fruit, and I really wanted to buy this really awesome painting of a snake, but Andy wouldn't let me. Dumb.

Believe it or not, after breakfast, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, and that's what I did. Pretty much all morning. Both of us were really tired, so Andy just kinda hung out next to me on his phone for a few hours. Seriously, guys. I can't say it enough. Weddings are exhausting. 

Early in the afternoon, we wound up just wandering around town, in and out of shops. The biggest part of the afternoon happened at Hole in the Wall Tattoos. Really cool place, my artist was Kat. Not only did I get my first tattoo, I got my first TWO tattoos!

The first one was done behind my ear. OMG, it hurt. She started out with me in the chair, but decided the angle was too cumbersome, and had me switch to the table.

Can you tell what it is? I had been wanting to get the Dauntless symbol behind my ear for a while, and I finally got it!

I'm kinda in love with it. And yes, it's red and angry. It still hurts quite a bit. And it was about an 8/10 pain, so yeah, it hurt. But I'm no stranger to pain, so to have pain for something I chose for once, not so bad. 

The next one was on my wrist, and that was an actual 10/10 pain. Good thing I can control myself through excruciating pain. It felt like I was getting cut with no anesthetic, which I have experienced before. But thankfully, it took maybe 10 minutes to do. I almost cried like a baby when I thought she was done, and then she changed her mind and decided she needed to go over a letter again, but I dealt. 

In the end, I got a phrase I have been wanting to get on my wrist since a few days after my breakup 2 years ago, and it looks awesome!

"i can handle this" Which was very apt given how painful it was. 

After the tattoos, we went to dinner at the Riviera, which was delicious! I had zucchini and carrot noodles with a pesto butter sauce and grilled chicken, with a hard lavender lemonade. It was amazing. 

We had about 45 minutes after dinner before our escape room appointment with the Glenwood Adventure Company. As we wandered, we stumbled across this little boutique, Bellini's Fashion. We talked with the owner, who was super awesome, and gave us a 10% discount when she found out we were on our honeymoon. You guys should check out her website! She has an online business as well, and ships for free. I love supporting small businesses! We got a picture frame that says, "I Love Us," which we'll put a wedding picture in, and I got this pretty awesome bag: 

It was only $63 to begin with, and the straps are real leather. You can smell it immediately. Most bags like this are at least $100, if not more. When I saw how inexpensive it was, I had to have it. The thing is huge, and I can really pack it when I travel. 

It's made from recycled canvas, and put together really well. I'm sure it will hold up to some solid beatings as I travel. 

The brand is Mona B, and the motto is "fearlessly authentic." Talk about perfect for me! The tag isn't very legible, but it say,
"Fashion that's earth friendly. Waste not, is the concept behind Mona B. Why make new materials when there are interesting and perfectly usable fabrics that can be re-cycled or up-cycled. We go by the mantra that one person's trash is another person's treasure.

"Each bag tells a story about the individual journey the material has made traveling from place to place. They are mostly made of recycled tarps or tents that have been previously used and would otherwise be thrown away. They have been washed to bring new life which may result in slight color discrepancies. The texture and material variations that are distinctive in recycled and hand crafted products make each bag unique. The story of these materials continues on and the next chapter is now for you to decide."

Not only do I love how eco friendly that is, but it seems rather Dauntless to me, too. A lot of these materials come from old army gear. Many have already stood up to a lot of use and abuse. Now they get to live on to see new places, serve new purposes. This bag will likely travel the world with me, and that's pretty awesome. 

Finally, we went to the escape room, where we tried our hand at their Egypt Tomb Escape. It was just Andy and me, and if we had about 5 more minutes, we would have totally gotten it. We really impressed the staff, who said that two people very rarely get that far, and never actually escape, so we're pretty happy. We had to solve puzzles and unlock about a thousand locks to get out. What disturbed me the most was how many Egyptian cities along the Nile I could identify without labels. Thanks, history degrees? 

We went back to the hotel and got to bed, since we were starting the next day with quite the adventure! Details to follow. 😉

A Dauntless in Denver Wedding Week: Part 5

Friday morning, we woke up and smiled at each other, because we were finally married! Corny, but true. Andy was ready to go long before I was- I think I will need a month to recover from this wedding stuff. Lemme tell  you, small wedding does NOT equal low stress. Holy wow. There's still the venue and the people coming in, and the officiant, and the cake, and the flowers, and the license, and the rings, and the honeymoon, and the meals, and the photographer, and the clothes, and other things I am sure I'm missing.

I slept a few more hours, while Andy worked out, went and got breakfast, and then got a chair massage at our hotel. I was going to, but decided sleep was way better.

We walked around Estes Park for a bit and had lunch at Mama Rosa's before heading out. We stopped in at the bookstore, where I got a book about the hauntings of the Stanley, and a book on the history of Wonder Woman. I have no idea when I'm going to read them- this Dauntless has serious Erudite tendencies, and I'm pretty sure I have about 50 unread books at home, not to mention all the ones on my Kindle- but I am excited to read them when I can. We also stopped in a sock shop, where I found some pretty awesome socks I couldn't help but buy for the boys I used to babysit before moving out here.

Andy decided to drive through Rocky Mountain National Park on our way to Glenwood Springs. The day before, the mountains were barely visible in the park. But this time? Bright, clear, brilliant mountains. Of course. A combination of exhaustion and bitterness caused me to sleep most of the way through the park.

Our drive to Glenwood Springs was mostly uneventful, minus the gravel roads we were on for the better part of an hour. I fought the lack of internet signal to try and do some blog writing, and I eventually won, though it took far longer than usual.

We checked into The Hotel Colorado (and I canNOT get "Hotel California" out of my head), which is a historic hotel, opened in 1893. It does not have air conditioning. But it's cool and historic, and Teddy Roosevelt used to call it his "second White House," so there's that. The back lawn area is quite pretty, though.

Dinner was nothing but nachos with chicken at the Glenwood Canyon Brew Pub (delicious, by the way- definitely worth having!), followed by an hour in the Iron Mountain Hot Springs. We love that place, because it has different pools at different temperatures, and they're all set up like large hot tubs. If you're lucky, you can get one to yourself. We weren't so lucky. It was pretty busy while we were there.

After that, we went back to the hotel and slept very soundly. First full day of marriage= success!

A Dauntless in Denver Wedding Week: Part 4

Wedding day! We woke up earlyish, and Andy and Ryan left to meet Andy's brothers and families at Snooze for breakfast, while I hurried and tried to both nail my eye makeup and get it on as fast as humanly possible. Leslie and I jumped in the car, and I finished my makeup as she drove to meet everyone at Snooze. Seriously, Denver people, if you haven't been to Snooze yet, what are you doing with your lives?!

We sat at the table wth all the girls- Susan, Lily, and Mari Ann, while all the boys, Andy, Ryan, Matt, John Scott, and KJ were at the other table. I hadn't been there since they had released their "summerish" menu, and found a blackberry key lime pie pancake, which I couldn't help but order, gluten free, of course. You guys. It was a religious experience. Not even kidding.

Leslie and I hurried out of breakfast, and headed to my regular salon, Matthew Morris, to meet my mom and get my hair done. My stylist, Annaliese is amazing. I have been with her since I moved to Denver, and she has kept my Dauntless hair in perfect color and form ever since. She managed to make curls look completely and utterly Dauntless. I loved it. I changed into my dress at the salon, and left for the mountains.

The day was a bit overcast, but we were hopeful things would clear up, and there would be sun and clear skies once we got to the mountains. We hoped wrong.

It was 55 degrees and extremely overcast when we got there. We kept hoping it would clear up yet. After all, the whole point of getting married in the mountains was...well...the mountains.

People began arriving, and about 1:58, the drizzle stopped, clouds started to clear, and the sun made an appearance, making it notably warmer. There was only one problem: Neither Andy nor Ryan had yet arrived. And I got a text message right about then saying that they were still in Estes Park!

Andy and Ryan didn't get there until 2:40. Yes. My husband was late to our wedding. Starting off on a GREAT foot there, Babe. His family was threatening to replace him with a cardboard cutout by that point, and also offering to beat him up for me. Of course, I greeted him with my hands on my hips, and he tried to play it cool, but there was no winning for him.

By the time he got there, it was again cold, raining, and not only was it overcast, it was downright foggy. So much so, that when we got to the little dock on the lake we were getting married on, all we could see was the lake immediately surrounding the dock, for about two feet in all directions. The lake is NOT that big, and we couldn't even see the other side, which was less than a quarter mile from where we were. Yep. The fog was THAT dense. Of course, as I'm writing this the next day, it's sunny and pretty clear. Slight haze, but seriously. At least you can see mountains...

Ryan officiated, and did a great job. I can't imagine anyone else doing it. He opened with I Corinthians 13, and Andy and I started laughing. "Love is patient..." Yeah, no kidding. Also, "love is never rude..." That got Andy a  pointed look too. Cause, you know. Keeping a bunch of people waiting in the rain and cold for 40 minutes isn't exactly polite... In any case, we got it done, and finally...we're married!

We severely abbreviated the family photos so as to allow the poor people to get out of the rain and cold, and Andy, Ryan, Leslie, and I hung around for more pictures. Some involve me in the lake! Can't wait for those! We were going to go up into the mountains through the park more for some super Dauntless photos, including ones with me climbing up some rock formations and sitting off the edge of a mountain in my wedding dress. But unfortunately, between Andy's tardiness and the extreme fog (which did lift a little), there was neither much time, nor incentive for us to do it. We got a few pictures in shops in Estes park instead.

We met everyone for dinner at 6:00 at the Cascades Restaurant in the famous Stanley Hotel. Yes, that Stanley. The one that inspired The Shining. Andy wanted to stay there on our wedding night, and I told him he could stay there on our wedding night, but I didn't want any twins showing up in the room in the middle of the night. If you don't get the reference, read the book or watch the movie...

The Stanley is gorgeous, and it is visible immediately upon entering Estes Park. I wish we'd had time for more pictures there, but alas, we didn't. The staff was incredibly helpful. Andy's sister, Marnie, and her wife, Taylor, had gone all the way up to Fort Collins to get the cake- a glorious strawberry gluten free cake done by Grace at Delectable Desserts- and dropped it off at The Stanley before the wedding. The staff asked when we wanted it brought out, and even brought out a vase with water for my bouquet.

Dinner was delicious, and Andy and I both had steak with green beans, mashed potatoes, and peppercorn sauce. Oh. My. Word. That stuff was amazing. There are no words. Normally, I would eat maybe a quarter of all that was on my plate, but apparently, I was hungry, because I ate almost all of it, and wasn't even terribly full. Andy gave a lovely toast to everyone, and talked a little about how we met, then they brought out the cake.

We ended by taking a few pictures before leaving, then went back to our hotel room at the Estes Park Resort, where they had left rose petals and champagne and chocolate covered strawberries for us.

Yeah, I was really unhappy about the weather, but at the end of the day, we wound up married, and that's what matters. Let the adventures commence.